Finding The Blessing In It....

I'm trying. I really am. Sometimes, I just can't help but pray that she's smiling at me, glad that I finally FEEL happy.

We're exactly 7 days away from her being gone 4 months. I've finally hit the point where I pick up the phone to call her, only to quickly realize that I can't. About a month ago, I had a dream that I was flying through the sky over the desert of southern Utah, where she wants her ashes spread. This dream should have made me happy. Should have made me feel close to her. But ever since, I can't seem to get the images of my sick, skin-n-bones mom laying in hospital bed. And this is where I get angry. I feel like I should have done more for her. I should have been able to make her better. I.... have a lot of guilt for the parts I played in her getting sick.

When I moved back home, away from my family, my stability, I promised that I was going to make her proud. Slowly and very deliberately, I am doing that. There's a huge level of peace knowing that even though I can't talk to her, I can still "talk" to her. I beg her for help at work.  I talk to her about my own, at times, frustrating relationship with my daughter, looking for guidance. I tell her I'm glad she gets to spend time with her family and dogs that she loved so much. 

I've always believed that your loved ones are still with you after they're gone. At times over the last couple months, that belief has been tested. But.... in the end, I have an amazing family. We've had a trials over the years, lots of them, but we came together. 

I miss my mom every minute of every day. I do not take the time I got to spend with her those last few months for granted. That time brought our family back together. And, even though she's not physically with us anymore, she.... is still the glue that holds us together.

I'm gonna face the challenges of life and kill this shit for her.

Neglecting, Nurturing and Climbing

My Oh My!!!

I literally just realized that it has been 10 months TODAY since I've written. Well, I've written, but not here. That's crazy. Not just crazy, neglectful.

Our last encounter was about creation, in any form. And, while I've been neglectful regarding my writing, I was still creating. I was creating my life. Reforming essentially. I've always been a big believer in the beauty of progression. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, let alone a year ago.

The last ten months have been a roller coaster. I've done some amazing things. I've become more grateful. I made the decision to move "home", change jobs, I lost my mother, I became more of  grown up. When I think of all the things that have happened recently, I have to be honest and say.... I don't think I was necessarily neglectful to my creative side.... I need to take pride.... I need to admit that I was nurturing my creative side. I allowed myself some room for growth.

The only thing left to do.... Keep climbing the beanstalk!!!!

Letting Me Be...

As all of you know, I've spent a good majority of my life searching. While I've enjoyed the journey, I need to anchor my feet and be honest with myself. I've always denied parts of myself for a certain level of acceptability. I needed people to understand me, but that is never what I received.

Over the course of the last couple years, I've realized that my happiest moments are when I've spent time writing or painting or cooking. Creating something. Essentially what I've learned is that... what I do, what I create, whether it's paper or canvas or food, is Me allowing my soul to come out and breath from all the nonsense of my life.

Being creative isn't easy. But the difficulty of it feels amazing. There is beauty in the struggle. It doesn't matter what you envisioned, the point is that you're able to bare your insides to something.

What She Said....

The Stuggle....

To those of you that are brave enough to read my posts, I thank you.

It's no secret that my life is a series of roller coasters. I'm hot, then cold. Up and then down. When I fall, I fall hard. The older I get, the more it hurts because I know better. This is my life, you'd think I'd be use to it by now. That I'd be better at handling the lows.

Everytime I get to a point where I feel comfortable with me, not just comfortable but a point where I feel true love for myself, I fall. There's always a little tick in my brain that says it's too good. I'm a self-sabotager. I'm cool with admitting it.

There's so many things about Me that I should be proud of, and for the most part I am. But right now in this moment... The tick is taking over.

On a brighter note....

Tomorrow is my 365 day mark. I have not had any alcohol for a year. Definitely something to be proud about. It's been a struggle. There have been times where I've thought that I could have just one but I know better.

Be. Strong.

Have courage.

You WILL get through a bad day or a bad year.

I promise.

 "There are times in life when you could get tossed in the well too with twists in your stomach and with holes in your hearts." ~ Neil Pasricha

Happily (And Truthfully) Me....

Ahhh... The beauty of the AHA! moments.

I've spent the entire day being perfectly right brained. I realized some things about myself this morning in the middle of Pilates, yes- right smack dab in the middle of a Pilates class. When it's written out it sounds OH SO GOOD.

I am creative.

A free spirit.

I am passion.

Yearning.

Sensuality.

I AM THE SOUND OF ROARING LAUGHTER.

I am taste.

The feeling of sand beneath bare feet.

I am movement.

Vivid colors.

I am the urge to paint on empty canvas.

I am boundless imagination.

Art.

I sense. I feel.

I AM EVERYTHING I WANTED TO BE.