For Luca....

I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am... in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you...


I miss you my love...

Must Have Faith...

I'm a different person.... Physically and Emotionally.  I was ready for the next step.  This is the next step.

I'm not giving up on creating a new life of contentment and making it last.

But sometimes I have to remind myself that just because Sin City is a few hours away- its not okay to run.  Face it... Deal With It... Feel Accomplished With The End Result.

I'm going to really LIVE... I'm going to SHOW OFF!

Chutes and Ladders probably would have been easier....

I had an aha! moment today... I am having an excruciating time finding the positive in hard situations. 

I had been experiencing a relaxing, productive day like I did yesterday.  A couple hours ago, I received some news that I wouldn't say is bad, just disappointing.  Ever since, I've been sitting on the couch self-sabotaging.  A thousand little "you suck" thoughts have been running through my brain at the speed of light.  None of these thoughts are leading me in the right direction.  I'm fully aware of that.  But it just seems easier to take the low road. 

How does someone who has been doing such a good job feeling good about themselves take such a huge step back?  What worries me the most is... It took such a long time to get here, I don't know if I have the time or energy to attempt it again.  Its kind of like when you play Candyland and your almost to the top and then you draw that card that has the candycane on it and you have to go all the way back to the starting line. 

Done, Done, Done and.... Done....

I'm not a list person.  Wait, I need to rephrase that.  I make lists all the time.  When I take vacations, I make lists of things to pack.  When I need to grocery shop, I make a list.  When someone in my little family needs things, I make lists.  I also make lists of things that need to be done around the house.  The problem is that I always end up throwing the list away having not followed it.  I guess I believe that just because I made the list- I should feel a sense of accomplishment.

Last night as Janis and I were watching TV I noticed that every once in a while she would quickly write something down.  I asked her what she was doing and she said "making my to-do list for the next couple days."  Of course I chuckled at her.  By the end of the night I was telling her things to write down.

This morning before getting out of bed I unconsciously reached over and picked up Luca's pictures I received from the hospital a couple days ago.  Doing this reminded Janis that she picked up a small album the other day for me to put his pictures in.  When I saw the photo album I knew that I couldn't just put it to the side.  I sat in bed drinking my coffee and put the album together.  When I was finished, I had a genuine feeling of accomplishment.  So of course I couldn't stop there.

The two of us were rapid balls of fury running through the house... cleaning, organizing, grocery shopping, donating clothes and I even cleaned out the pantry and fridge of all the things we will no longer be able to eat and drink.

The list we made last night hasn't been completed but there's a reason for that.  Most of what we did today wasn't actually on the list.  Tomorrow is another day.  Now that we've had the opportunity to sit down and reflect on what got done- we're a proud couple of people.  Moral of the story:  No matter what it is in your life that needs attention and love, its important to get it done.  The way your soul feels when its taken care of is nothing short of magnificent.

Now if I could just find the Ibuprofen 800 to take away the pain in my body....

Keyword: Communicate Part Deuce...

Is it lying if information is just plain omitted?  Even if someone didn't ask a direct question about it, but attempted to.

Hmmm....(finger to chin)...*shakes head*

Keyword: Communitcate

I got a bright idea today to clean out folders in all of my email accounts today.  I value organization, without it I would be a lost lady.  I cleaned out one folder in one account.  I didn't fully accomplish my task, but I made progress.  I opened the sent folder and literally read through everything the folder contained.  Keep in mind, this folder only went back to December 1, 2010, it contained 689 emails.

I came to a couple realizations while sifting through the madness.  The first is that, I absolutely love the daily contact I have with Stan.  Second, there are times that I was probably a little bit too hard on him.  The two us of talk basically everday.  Some conversations are just random tidbits of speech, but others well, it seems like were attempting to have substance.  He has a roundabout way of trying to teach me to get to a point where I hold myself accountable.  He'll ask a question and in true Laura fashion, I reply with some kind of smartass comment.  He'll go along with it and in the end, I end up giving him a hard time about not having a clear understanding of where our relationship is going.  He'll tell me I'm thinking too much, which upsets me even more and then we stop the conversation there.  He has a forgiving personality, so he'll email me the next morning just to see how I slept.  He's strong.  It's rare that you come across someone that can forget everything that was said the previous day.  I don't actually think that he forgets, I think he just chooses to see that I'm a work in progress.

I thrive on having someone to talk to everyday.  E-mail and IM have been our number one source of communication for a long time- while it isn't ideal, I know that is better than nothing.  The good thing about this is that because I know how he speaks, what his voice sounds like, tones that he uses with certain words, etc., I don't think our lack of actually voice or face to face communication is hindered. Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to just be able to sit in front of him and have an actual conversation.  But thats mostly because I haven't been able to see his face for so long. 

Commication has a lot of forms.  Having just recently lost a child, I talk to him in my head all the time and I have peace during these conversations that somewhere out there, he hears me.  I have a wonderful roommate that is able to sit for days and do nothing but talk.  This has been a rare occasion for Laura in the past.  I've also never been a big hugger- most affection for that matter has been an issue.  Janis and I hug A LOT!!! Sometimes for no reason, but I cherish these moments.  E-mail of course has become a big way of communication for a lot of people.  When e-mail started to get big, I fought it a little bit and still attempted to sit down and hand write letters to people.  I've learned that I type a lot faster than my brain sends signals to my fingers to write.  So I gave in. 

It sounds cliche' but communication really is important.  Not just for the person you're talking to but for you as well.  If you walk aways from any kind of conversation not feeling confident, there's obviously something within that needs to be worked on.  You have to be stong in what you're saying.  It could be something as simple as a joke- if you walk away feeling like the other people didn't get it, then it was pointless.  You can't do anything about people's listening skills but you can be confident in what you're saying.

2011 is...

I brought in 2011 sitting on the couch in my jammies. Don't get me wrong, even though we had plans, I was happy that they fell through.  I had Janis and she had me and thats all we needed.  My belly is still having an ongoing arguement with the vodka and oj- but I feel really good about our boring night.

2011 is going to a fantastic year because I AM GOING TO MAKE IT FANTASTIC.

Here's to always bringing out the positive and always feeling good about yourself.