What I Learned Today....

One day your life will flash in front of your eyes.

Make sure it's WORTH watching.



And....Smack!

I've been sitting on the couch for the last couple hours contemplating friends, writing, taxes and other nonsense. I found myself getting really restless. And then... I looked up at my mantle and I was reminded to just calm down.

I did.

Get Connected... With You.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes. I've learned to work through it. Instead of running away (one of my favorite past-times), I've learned... To Freaking Work Through It.

As of late, there's been a terrible disconnect. I know who I am, what I like, where I see myself going. Wait... Scratch that. I know who I am. I know what I like. What I don't know is where I'm going. HUGE HUGE HUGE disconnect.

I want to put my Nike's on and run along a new path but I can't. My prior notions that getting to a new physical place or attaching myself to new people would make Me better are quite literally, what got me here.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I... am flawed.

I have so many things that I want to accomplish that I get stuck in the disconnect of actually accomplishing. Here's the point where most people would say "I need to figure out where this is coming from," but not me. I already know.

There's two parts to my lack of accomplishment.

The first is that I grew up with a sister that was always doing great things. When she would do something marvelous, my parents would push me to do the same.  I would respond with the typical "I'm not her" sentence. The fact of the matter is, she had to work her ass off. The two of us took a couple college classes together our first semester. One of them being fantastic college level algebra. I got 100%, she got 98%. She was furious. My mom later told me that she studied for days. I didn't. Hence, her frustration. My sister worked so hard to prove to people that she was great. I was use to a life of disappointing people, mostly myself so I didn't study. I had the assumption that I wouldn't do that good, so I didn't even try.

The second part is Me and my insecurity of feeling good enough. My sister was the smart one. I was the pretty one. This was instilled in me. This is what I was made to believe made me who I am. I believed it so much that I wanted to be a model. I went, with my mom, to meet with a modeling agency. They put me through a class and at the end of it, we had to participate in a fashion show. This show was completed by the agency giving out awards and a trip to New York to meet with agents there. I wasn't picked. Walking out to the car, I cried. Hysterically. Everything that I'd been told my entire life about my looks was left on that runway. I felt horrible. I was young and vulnerable and I let that experience rip me to shreds.

After that experience as a young girl, I essentially gave up. I quit striving for things. I believed in what I was being told by my parents. I quit trying to be good for them, and worse for myself. I didn't want to be the pretty one anymore.  And I damn sure didn't want to be smart like my sister. I mean... It would be too damn easy to learn the concept of self satisfaction. It's much easier to sit back and just let life happen.

It's taken a huge part of my life to learn one very important thing. While it's easier to sit back, it's not that fun. Life is a roller coaster. You might have butterflies in your belly, but you have to get on, click the seat belt in and throw your arms in the air. The ups and downs make you stronger. They make you wiser.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes.

I know who I am. I know what I like.

I know... I will do great things. However and wherever that may be.

Take A Different Path... It's Cool- Don't Worry.

5 am... Usually I'd be frustrated but, coffee was already made thanks to the roomie, the pup is under the covers laying across my feet keeping them warm and best of all, it's quiet.

It's that time of year where I start reflecting on the last year.  What decisions I made, what I did and didn't do, who was effected, etc.  I have to say... I'm happy.

L's Journey was... well, if I'm being truthful, a way of dredging up the past.  Recently, I've been less involved with it than other projects because everytime I thought of something, I would immediately think that I didn't want to put myself through it.  Everyone knows the sayings- the quotes are all over the internet, you can't move forward if you're still living in the past.  And... I was.  It's time to move on.  It's time to accept that my life has been the way its been for a reason.  I accept the people in my life for who they are- not what they've done.  I accept that everyone has a past- so do I.  I accept the dynamics of my family- even though its hard.  I accept the job I have- not everyone is lucky enough to be employed.  I accept Me.  I'm not perfect but I've had some pretty perfect moments.

It's taken me a loooonnnnnnnggggg time to get to this place. Contentment.  I don't have much but what I do have is quality.  For now on, that is what I'll be focusing on. 

But... if you're ever in the mood (which you should be all the time) head over to The Sex Diet to see what raucous is ensuing!

The Cup... Is Attempting Spillage...

I've purposely taken some time from writing this blog and the others too, for that matter.  I needed to take some time to redefine what I believe my purpose to be, in writing and all aspects of Me.  Essentially, I needed to re-learn the skills to be grateful.  To have a cup that spillith over with gratitude.

The absence of writing in my life gave me a slap in the face.  At the most random times I will get hit with things that I feel like I need to write down.  But.... I forced myself not to during the last little while.  I don't know if I really had a good reason.  Maybe I felt like if writing was an actual skill of mine, I'd remember those things and write about them when I was ready.  Not a good reason, I know.  However, I was able to come to a conclusion...

My writing is for me.  Not for anyone else.  However, I do love that people enjoy it.  I have not and will not censor or fake my writing.  It is what it is.

While I don't always have the utmost confidence in what comes out, I will own up to it.  It makes me happy.  It's always there when I need it.  It's a reflection in the truest form.

AND.... Speaking of reflections... Head on over to The Sex Diet to read the latest on what happens to a person when they don't feed wants/needs correctly...

Oh Sweet Body Of Mine

I went to the gym twice today.  Neither time did I get out of the car. Why?  Because, there were people there.  I pulled into the parking lot, observed the amount of cars there and said to myself "I'll come back when nobody is here."

Oh Sweet Body Of Mine... It doesn't like to be around strangers or should I say... It doesn't like to worry about what other people are thinking. 

Hey!  At least I tried to go back.

I wonder....

Forty years ago today, my best friend was born.  She's is an amazing woman.  She has suffered so much in her life.  Yet, she is able to wake up everyday with a smile on her face.  She has inspired me to be less judgmental, to value my circumstance more and to be more confident.

So, I wonder... Does she know how amazing she is?  Hopefully, she does.