Finding The Blessing In It....

I'm trying. I really am. Sometimes, I just can't help but pray that she's smiling at me, glad that I finally FEEL happy.

We're exactly 7 days away from her being gone 4 months. I've finally hit the point where I pick up the phone to call her, only to quickly realize that I can't. About a month ago, I had a dream that I was flying through the sky over the desert of southern Utah, where she wants her ashes spread. This dream should have made me happy. Should have made me feel close to her. But ever since, I can't seem to get the images of my sick, skin-n-bones mom laying in hospital bed. And this is where I get angry. I feel like I should have done more for her. I should have been able to make her better. I.... have a lot of guilt for the parts I played in her getting sick.

When I moved back home, away from my family, my stability, I promised that I was going to make her proud. Slowly and very deliberately, I am doing that. There's a huge level of peace knowing that even though I can't talk to her, I can still "talk" to her. I beg her for help at work.  I talk to her about my own, at times, frustrating relationship with my daughter, looking for guidance. I tell her I'm glad she gets to spend time with her family and dogs that she loved so much. 

I've always believed that your loved ones are still with you after they're gone. At times over the last couple months, that belief has been tested. But.... in the end, I have an amazing family. We've had a trials over the years, lots of them, but we came together. 

I miss my mom every minute of every day. I do not take the time I got to spend with her those last few months for granted. That time brought our family back together. And, even though she's not physically with us anymore, she.... is still the glue that holds us together.

I'm gonna face the challenges of life and kill this shit for her.

Neglecting, Nurturing and Climbing

My Oh My!!!

I literally just realized that it has been 10 months TODAY since I've written. Well, I've written, but not here. That's crazy. Not just crazy, neglectful.

Our last encounter was about creation, in any form. And, while I've been neglectful regarding my writing, I was still creating. I was creating my life. Reforming essentially. I've always been a big believer in the beauty of progression. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, let alone a year ago.

The last ten months have been a roller coaster. I've done some amazing things. I've become more grateful. I made the decision to move "home", change jobs, I lost my mother, I became more of  grown up. When I think of all the things that have happened recently, I have to be honest and say.... I don't think I was necessarily neglectful to my creative side.... I need to take pride.... I need to admit that I was nurturing my creative side. I allowed myself some room for growth.

The only thing left to do.... Keep climbing the beanstalk!!!!

Letting Me Be...

As all of you know, I've spent a good majority of my life searching. While I've enjoyed the journey, I need to anchor my feet and be honest with myself. I've always denied parts of myself for a certain level of acceptability. I needed people to understand me, but that is never what I received.

Over the course of the last couple years, I've realized that my happiest moments are when I've spent time writing or painting or cooking. Creating something. Essentially what I've learned is that... what I do, what I create, whether it's paper or canvas or food, is Me allowing my soul to come out and breath from all the nonsense of my life.

Being creative isn't easy. But the difficulty of it feels amazing. There is beauty in the struggle. It doesn't matter what you envisioned, the point is that you're able to bare your insides to something.

What She Said....

The Stuggle....

To those of you that are brave enough to read my posts, I thank you.

It's no secret that my life is a series of roller coasters. I'm hot, then cold. Up and then down. When I fall, I fall hard. The older I get, the more it hurts because I know better. This is my life, you'd think I'd be use to it by now. That I'd be better at handling the lows.

Everytime I get to a point where I feel comfortable with me, not just comfortable but a point where I feel true love for myself, I fall. There's always a little tick in my brain that says it's too good. I'm a self-sabotager. I'm cool with admitting it.

There's so many things about Me that I should be proud of, and for the most part I am. But right now in this moment... The tick is taking over.

On a brighter note....

Tomorrow is my 365 day mark. I have not had any alcohol for a year. Definitely something to be proud about. It's been a struggle. There have been times where I've thought that I could have just one but I know better.

Be. Strong.

Have courage.

You WILL get through a bad day or a bad year.

I promise.

 "There are times in life when you could get tossed in the well too with twists in your stomach and with holes in your hearts." ~ Neil Pasricha

Happily (And Truthfully) Me....

Ahhh... The beauty of the AHA! moments.

I've spent the entire day being perfectly right brained. I realized some things about myself this morning in the middle of Pilates, yes- right smack dab in the middle of a Pilates class. When it's written out it sounds OH SO GOOD.

I am creative.

A free spirit.

I am passion.

Yearning.

Sensuality.

I AM THE SOUND OF ROARING LAUGHTER.

I am taste.

The feeling of sand beneath bare feet.

I am movement.

Vivid colors.

I am the urge to paint on empty canvas.

I am boundless imagination.

Art.

I sense. I feel.

I AM EVERYTHING I WANTED TO BE.

What I Learned Today....

One day your life will flash in front of your eyes.

Make sure it's WORTH watching.



And....Smack!

I've been sitting on the couch for the last couple hours contemplating friends, writing, taxes and other nonsense. I found myself getting really restless. And then... I looked up at my mantle and I was reminded to just calm down.

I did.

Get Connected... With You.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes. I've learned to work through it. Instead of running away (one of my favorite past-times), I've learned... To Freaking Work Through It.

As of late, there's been a terrible disconnect. I know who I am, what I like, where I see myself going. Wait... Scratch that. I know who I am. I know what I like. What I don't know is where I'm going. HUGE HUGE HUGE disconnect.

I want to put my Nike's on and run along a new path but I can't. My prior notions that getting to a new physical place or attaching myself to new people would make Me better are quite literally, what got me here.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I... am flawed.

I have so many things that I want to accomplish that I get stuck in the disconnect of actually accomplishing. Here's the point where most people would say "I need to figure out where this is coming from," but not me. I already know.

There's two parts to my lack of accomplishment.

The first is that I grew up with a sister that was always doing great things. When she would do something marvelous, my parents would push me to do the same.  I would respond with the typical "I'm not her" sentence. The fact of the matter is, she had to work her ass off. The two of us took a couple college classes together our first semester. One of them being fantastic college level algebra. I got 100%, she got 98%. She was furious. My mom later told me that she studied for days. I didn't. Hence, her frustration. My sister worked so hard to prove to people that she was great. I was use to a life of disappointing people, mostly myself so I didn't study. I had the assumption that I wouldn't do that good, so I didn't even try.

The second part is Me and my insecurity of feeling good enough. My sister was the smart one. I was the pretty one. This was instilled in me. This is what I was made to believe made me who I am. I believed it so much that I wanted to be a model. I went, with my mom, to meet with a modeling agency. They put me through a class and at the end of it, we had to participate in a fashion show. This show was completed by the agency giving out awards and a trip to New York to meet with agents there. I wasn't picked. Walking out to the car, I cried. Hysterically. Everything that I'd been told my entire life about my looks was left on that runway. I felt horrible. I was young and vulnerable and I let that experience rip me to shreds.

After that experience as a young girl, I essentially gave up. I quit striving for things. I believed in what I was being told by my parents. I quit trying to be good for them, and worse for myself. I didn't want to be the pretty one anymore.  And I damn sure didn't want to be smart like my sister. I mean... It would be too damn easy to learn the concept of self satisfaction. It's much easier to sit back and just let life happen.

It's taken a huge part of my life to learn one very important thing. While it's easier to sit back, it's not that fun. Life is a roller coaster. You might have butterflies in your belly, but you have to get on, click the seat belt in and throw your arms in the air. The ups and downs make you stronger. They make you wiser.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes.

I know who I am. I know what I like.

I know... I will do great things. However and wherever that may be.

Take A Different Path... It's Cool- Don't Worry.

5 am... Usually I'd be frustrated but, coffee was already made thanks to the roomie, the pup is under the covers laying across my feet keeping them warm and best of all, it's quiet.

It's that time of year where I start reflecting on the last year.  What decisions I made, what I did and didn't do, who was effected, etc.  I have to say... I'm happy.

L's Journey was... well, if I'm being truthful, a way of dredging up the past.  Recently, I've been less involved with it than other projects because everytime I thought of something, I would immediately think that I didn't want to put myself through it.  Everyone knows the sayings- the quotes are all over the internet, you can't move forward if you're still living in the past.  And... I was.  It's time to move on.  It's time to accept that my life has been the way its been for a reason.  I accept the people in my life for who they are- not what they've done.  I accept that everyone has a past- so do I.  I accept the dynamics of my family- even though its hard.  I accept the job I have- not everyone is lucky enough to be employed.  I accept Me.  I'm not perfect but I've had some pretty perfect moments.

It's taken me a loooonnnnnnnggggg time to get to this place. Contentment.  I don't have much but what I do have is quality.  For now on, that is what I'll be focusing on. 

But... if you're ever in the mood (which you should be all the time) head over to The Sex Diet to see what raucous is ensuing!

The Cup... Is Attempting Spillage...

I've purposely taken some time from writing this blog and the others too, for that matter.  I needed to take some time to redefine what I believe my purpose to be, in writing and all aspects of Me.  Essentially, I needed to re-learn the skills to be grateful.  To have a cup that spillith over with gratitude.

The absence of writing in my life gave me a slap in the face.  At the most random times I will get hit with things that I feel like I need to write down.  But.... I forced myself not to during the last little while.  I don't know if I really had a good reason.  Maybe I felt like if writing was an actual skill of mine, I'd remember those things and write about them when I was ready.  Not a good reason, I know.  However, I was able to come to a conclusion...

My writing is for me.  Not for anyone else.  However, I do love that people enjoy it.  I have not and will not censor or fake my writing.  It is what it is.

While I don't always have the utmost confidence in what comes out, I will own up to it.  It makes me happy.  It's always there when I need it.  It's a reflection in the truest form.

AND.... Speaking of reflections... Head on over to The Sex Diet to read the latest on what happens to a person when they don't feed wants/needs correctly...

Oh Sweet Body Of Mine

I went to the gym twice today.  Neither time did I get out of the car. Why?  Because, there were people there.  I pulled into the parking lot, observed the amount of cars there and said to myself "I'll come back when nobody is here."

Oh Sweet Body Of Mine... It doesn't like to be around strangers or should I say... It doesn't like to worry about what other people are thinking. 

Hey!  At least I tried to go back.

I wonder....

Forty years ago today, my best friend was born.  She's is an amazing woman.  She has suffered so much in her life.  Yet, she is able to wake up everyday with a smile on her face.  She has inspired me to be less judgmental, to value my circumstance more and to be more confident.

So, I wonder... Does she know how amazing she is?  Hopefully, she does.



I do... I Really Do... Like Me, That Is.

Finally!  It isn't a lie.  I feel it.  I really really do!

I have to first shout out to Heather @ lifeofapasserie for challenging everyone to just do it. While it has taken quite a bit of time for me to come up with this list, she inspired me to get it done.  Amazingly, I really really really BELIEVE everything on this list.  Such a content feeling, THANK YOU Heather!

• My tattoo's... Because I remember the experience of getting each and every one of them.
• My hair... Because I can change it easily and it always grows back!
• My brown eyes...
• My vanity... I'm not vain but as I've gotten older I've started the realize the importance of feeling pretty for Me.
• I always  have toenails painted...
• My coffee addiction...
• My funniness... I am AMAZINGLY funny
• My love of feeding people...
• My love of expressing feelings...
• My love of "feeling" feelings...
• MY ABILITY TO FINALLY BE CONTENT WITH ME!

Now... I need to figure out how to keep adding to this list.

Happy listing ya'll...

Like Sand Through The Hourglass... These Are The Days Of My Life

I haven't been very involved in this blog lately.  Which, if you think about the title and the reason that I started it in the first place, could only mean one thing... I haven't been very involved with my journey lately.

I've struggled with the direction that I'm going.  Not in life, well, that's not true at all.  Daily life is fine.  I'm getting through tasks, surviving.  But at the end of the day... I'm not feeling like I've had any real accomplishments.  Going through life in uncertainty doesn't make it easy to have genuine smiles. 

Now before I continue, I need to remind you what a pessimist I am!  Affirmations are silly, I've always felt that way.  But, over the last few days I've been trying to use affirmations as a way of getting through the day.  I'll laugh at myself and continue on with whatever task I'm working on.  I began to think that I need to write something upbeat and positive... A sort of SMACK IN DA FACE!

Today, a blogging friend, Heather @ lifeofapasserie posted exactly what I needed.  She is a self described natural beauty, and she writes beautifully too!  She so poignantly reminds everyone to simply... Like who you are.  Please read her post and link to her list.  Commit to being committed to You.

You wear your skin... Own It...  Love It.

Finding Beauty In The Past...

“Sometimes we have to go right into the fire in order to find our true healing.” ~Jack Kornfield

Hence... The new tattoo.  I'm up to ten.  That's right, One-Zero. 

I have a list of things that I'd like to get but I wanted this one to really mean something.  Which is why its taken so long for me to get it.  I've been working on making Me better for a while now and I wanted to celebrate that. 

One of my all time favorite things is The Rose That Grew From Concrete by Tupac.  It's short, sweet and reminds me of Me.  In the midst of all the chaos in my life,  I continued to grow, and I did it without a major support system.

Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it
learned to walk with out having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping it's dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared.

So... Here it is.  My constant reminder to always walk with my head high.

Under Da Gun... Again!

Yours Truly is going under the gun again.  Can you hear it?  ZzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzZzzzzzzz! (Have you guessed yet that its a tattoo gun?)

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

Here's the conundrum:

I know what I'm getting essentially but I need a simple bird design to go along with it. And of course, I can't draw to save my life.  How is it possible for someone to paint but not draw? Anyhoo, that's neither here nor there.

I've got a couple days to figure it out... 3 days and counting.

Blah... Blah... Blah...

In the last 11 hours I have started not 1, not 2 but 14 different posts.  I ramble.  About stupid stuff at that.  I walked away from each post feeling defeated and illiterate.  Now, I'm just ambitious.  Ambitious for something new. 

I need to take this writing somewhere.  I need to do something else with it. 

If anyone has any ideas, PLEASE!!! I beg of you... let me know.

Is Back... And Counting What She's Worth...

I've been on a long and curvy road.  I've likened myself to a small sports car.  You know the ones... they're good at hugging curves.  Hugging curves is good as long as you're driving an actual sports car and going through those curves at 90 mph.  In my brain, it isn't good.  I don't want to hug curves.  While I want to feel feelings, I don't want to get stuck trying to navigate the curves.  The curves are slowing me down, both physically and mentally.

The last few weeks have taken a huge toll on me.  I can't tell you how many times I said "F You" and "You Suck" to myself over the last 3 weeks.  A week ago I found this awesome site, www.tinybuddha.com.  In perusing the quote section I came across something that made my heart go pitter patter...

"As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it." -Eckhart Tolle

I've spent my entire life identifying with pain, either because I was hurt or because someone else's pain was being projected onto me.  Hurt was all I ever knew.  I internalized everything.  Whether it was my mess or someone else's.  Granted, I didn't make the best choices growing up.  A lot of the things that I've endured over the majority of my life were things that I could have prevented.  But instead of saying to myself that I was just a kid, I let it be exaggerated.  Kids of all ages make mistakes.  I need to keep that in perspective. 

All that said... I found my "creative" side once again.  I made a decision a week ago to be more "zen-like"... so, I painted.  Buddha.

I have a TONNNNNNNNN of things that are going to be added to this.  I just have to get my lazy behind in gear.  But before I do, I have something I need to do.  Write myself a letter.  You know the funny question of "What do you wish you could have told yourself 10 years ago?"  Well, I'm gonna write that letter, seal it up and hold onto it.  It might 10 years, it might be 50 years before I open it up but I'll open it one day.  Hopefully, when I do read it I'll appreciate the struggle I've gone through even more. 

"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves." -Dalai Lama