I've spent the entire day being perfectly right brained. I realized some things about myself this morning in the middle of Pilates, yes- right smack dab in the middle of a Pilates class. When it's written out it sounds OH SO GOOD.
I've been sitting on the couch for the last couple hours contemplating friends, writing, taxes and other nonsense. I found myself getting really restless. And then... I looked up at my mantle and I was reminded to just calm down.
I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes. I've learned to work through it. Instead of running away (one of my favorite past-times), I've learned... To Freaking Work Through It.
As of late, there's been a terrible disconnect. I know who I am, what I like, where I see myself going. Wait... Scratch that. I know who I am. I know what I like. What I don't know is where I'm going. HUGE HUGE HUGE disconnect.
I want to put my Nike's on and run along a new path but I can't. My prior notions that getting to a new physical place or attaching myself to new people would make Me better are quite literally, what got me here.
I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I... am flawed.
I have so many things that I want to accomplish that I get stuck in the disconnect of actually accomplishing. Here's the point where most people would say "I need to figure out where this is coming from," but not me. I already know.
There's two parts to my lack of accomplishment.
The first is that I grew up with a sister that was always doing great things. When she would do something marvelous, my parents would push me to do the same. I would respond with the typical "I'm not her" sentence. The fact of the matter is, she had to work her ass off. The two of us took a couple college classes together our first semester. One of them being fantastic college level algebra. I got 100%, she got 98%. She was furious. My mom later told me that she studied for days. I didn't. Hence, her frustration. My sister worked so hard to prove to people that she was great. I was use to a life of disappointing people, mostly myself so I didn't study. I had the assumption that I wouldn't do that good, so I didn't even try.
The second part is Me and my insecurity of feeling good enough. My sister was the smart one. I was the pretty one. This was instilled in me. This is what I was made to believe made me who I am. I believed it so much that I wanted to be a model. I went, with my mom, to meet with a modeling agency. They put me through a class and at the end of it, we had to participate in a fashion show. This show was completed by the agency giving out awards and a trip to New York to meet with agents there. I wasn't picked. Walking out to the car, I cried. Hysterically. Everything that I'd been told my entire life about my looks was left on that runway. I felt horrible. I was young and vulnerable and I let that experience rip me to shreds.
After that experience as a young girl, I essentially gave up. I quit striving for things. I believed in what I was being told by my parents. I quit trying to be good for them, and worse for myself. I didn't want to be the pretty one anymore. And I damn sure didn't want to be smart like my sister. I mean... It would be too damn easy to learn the concept of self satisfaction. It's much easier to sit back and just let life happen.
It's taken a huge part of my life to learn one very important thing. While it's easier to sit back, it's not that fun. Life is a roller coaster. You might have butterflies in your belly, but you have to get on, click the seat belt in and throw your arms in the air. The ups and downs make you stronger. They make you wiser.
I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes.
I know who I am. I know what I like.
I know... I will do great things. However and wherever that may be.