Saturday, January 29, 2011

There's a scene in the movie Little Miss Sunshine where Frank and Dwayne are discussing happiness.  Sadness, actually.  Dwayne in the normal teenage mind wants to just sleep life away and skip high school.  Frank's response is this:  Why?  Why would you want to miss all that suffering?  It's the moments you spend in sadness and loneliness that define your character.  When you're happy, you don't really get a chance to learn anything. 

While I agree with that, I have to wonder why some people have the inate ability to grow out of that sadness and others don't.  Like I said in my first blog, I had an ordinary family.  Both parents, sister, friends.  I had friends growing up that showed signs of depression just like me.  The difference is this, (warning... if you're a family member reading this- I can not be responsible for your reaction) life really got in the way of my family being supportive of each other.  Being the youngest (see my 2nd blog) I believe that I got the raw end of the deal.  I'm am not in any way shape or form saying that my parents didn't love me, I know they do.  Growing up, I always thought my parents wanted me to be just like my sister, looking back- I whole-heartedly believe they were just trying to give me the same opportunities as her.  Life got in the way of us believing in each other.  Life got in the way of the people in my family believing that it's important to care about each other regardless of the path they choose (the differences of paths in regards to my family will be discussed in another blog.)

Each family has a "black sheep." Thats me.  I'm the one that fucks up.  I'm the one that for whatever reason continues to disappoint.  I use to joke about this.  And up until I started the process of trying to figure me out a couple months ago- I actually took pride in this.  But now... I'm tired.  It's hard to get on the phone with your mother and know that the conversation will never be longer than 3 minutes unless an arguement ensues.  Its hard to know that family functions don't happen anymore because you haven't spoken to your sister in 3 years.  It's hard to know that I can't be an aunt anymore, especially knowing that there's a niece I've never met.  The funny thing is... I've never been in jail, I've never hurt anyone physically, I've never... Wait, I'll rephrase this sentence... I have made mistakes.  I know that I emotionally hurt my parents.  I didn't always follow their advise.  I hung out with the wrong people.  And, I will admit that I had a breakdown being a single parent and because of that, I wasn't the only one that suffered.  I have a lot of making up to do for that. 

There isn't any faith left.  I've owned up to my mistakes. I've reached out to rebuild relationships with no response.  Other people may not see it that way.  But that is one of the joys of life.  People are entitled to their own perception.  Until everyone has a desire for change, it won't happen.  So, my new challenge is this... find strength.  Find the strength to continue life making relationships with people that could be considered family.

Friday, January 28, 2011


I'm completely confused...  do I learn to bite my tongue in order to keep secrets at bay?  Or do I say what needs to be said so that I know I got it off my chest?  Do I keep someone happy that I haven't spoken to in years?  Or do I attempt complete transparency even if it means risking the remaining strained relationships?

Sometimes I wish I could just be a cabbage patch kid with one of those nifty names... at least I'd have good hair and a cute outfit...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Two Peas In A Pod....

I've always thought of myself as a tough girl.  I've always thought of myself as someone that can handle anything.  Not the case.  Sometimes, I lie to myself.  Apparently, I lie to myself A LOT!  It's easier to lie to myself than to do the hard work and decide that its okay to have emotional roller coasters sometimes.

Yesterday was one of "those" days.  One of the days that I had to lie about what I'm really feeling.  I had to make jokes about it just to get through the drive home.  Yesterday was a busy day for the females in this house.  Not only did Janis have to go in for her surgery follow up appointment, but Lady had to be dropped off at the vet yesterday to get fixed.  It was confirmed when I got there that she was preggo and they needed to do a complete hysterectomy.  I also ended up at the doctor because of the issues I've been having lately.  I sat through quite a long ultrasound.  I sat a stared at the screen showing my uterus in complete silence.  At one point the ultrasound tech turned around, looked at me, put her hand on my arm and said "I hope you have other living children.  There is something funny going on here."  I had no choice but to just ignore her at that point.  She finished, I got dressed and on my way out of the exam room I asked her what was going on.  The only thing she could say is that the "doctors need to put their heads together.  Something isn't right."

I know I've been making jokes and statements since losing Luca that I don't want to have anymore children, but I don't like being told that I might not ever have the option.  I made those statements under the pretense that I was in control of that decision.  To have it taken away for whatever reason the doctors can't explain at this point, is nothing short of disheartening.  There is nothing worse than feeling like you have no control over your body and decision making process. 

So, today Lady and I are sitting on the couch in pain.  She refuses to move from her crouching position and I refuse to move because at least I have solidarity with someone.  Even if it is one of the cats.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A while back I attempted a book project with someone I considered a very good friend.  Our friendship fizzled out because well, if I'm being completely honest, I allowed some things to happen.  I didn't think highly enough of myself at the time to stop it from happening.

Over the last couple days I've thought a lot about that book.  My gut has been telling me to go ahead with it.  That, in order for me to feel good about myself in the way of accomplishing things, I need to write that book.  However, its made me think a lot about her.  This is a person I confided a lot of things in, we spent upteen amounts of time together.  I loved her, she was essentially, my sister.  Last night, I forced myself to go to bed because my brain kept telling me to send her an email.  My heart was saying no.  So, I forced myself to go to bed so I didn't do something I would end up regretting.

I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again... Life has a funny way of reminding you that you don't have as much control as you like to think you do.  Or maybe it just boils down to, I thought about it so much- I willed it to happen.  A couple hours ago, I received a message from her.  While we have yet to discuss the book issue, we have been able to have an honest conversation about what happened to our relationship.  I can't say that our friendship is mendable but I will say this, its nice to know that you've been able to say whats in your heart.  Your heart takes on a lot of roles.  Not only does it have to physically keep you going, it has to control your emotional health.  If even a little piece of it is broken, you can never be a complete person.

My hope is that everyone in my life knows that I am heart healthy.  I also hope they know that I want them to be heart healthy.  There's a magnificent spark that goes off in your body when you know that your heart feels every bit as happy as your brain.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

So.... last night I threw a temper tantrum.  I didn't fall asleep until 5:50 am this morning because I couldn't stop thinking about what I wrote.  Of course, I didn't sleep long and when I got up and walked out to the living room I feel utterly disappointed in myself.  I completely get that everyone is allowed moments of difficulty- it's what you do with the moment that defines your character. 

I spent a lot of time today trying to come up with some reasoning to why I've always given me up in relationships.  It isn't something I believe is an easy answer.  What I do know is this- I didn't just do this in relationships, it also happened with friendships.  I've never been the type of person to have many friendships- especially with women.  However, the one's I did have were never good.  There was always some underlying issue and when I felt like I needed to voice my opinion, the friendship ended. 

I don't say any of this without recognizing that I have faults to own up to.  Man, Oh, Man... Do I have faults!  But in owning up to what I've done and said, I realize that I can only take responsibility for me.  In the past, I would have taken responsibility for the entire situation- not just my part.

All this said... I'm giving myself a challenge.  Well, a couple actually. 

Challenge #1-  Realize the importance of female interaction.  Be proud of my femininity.  Find a group of amazing women that want nothing more than to build real friendships that empower and inspire each other.

Challenge #2-  Stop giving up things that make me calm because of a new relationship.  I have not painted in almost a year because of my last relationship.  Because of him, I guess you could say I lost my inspiration.  I need to challenge myself to put brush to canvas at least once a week.  Regardless of what is happening.

Challenge #3-  Be okay with the bad moments.  Everyone is entitled to have moments of desperation.  This doesn't mean that you aren't happy.  It means that you are finally comfortable enough with yourself to realize that you need to honor and really experience every feeling you have.

I'm going to continue to take advantage of being me.  I might be ridiculous sometimes, but... at least I'm being authentically me. 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I'm continually amazed at the utter lack of understanding I have about myself.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  I have amazing moments of clarity.  I have horrible moments of clarity.  My brain tells me that I should be grateful for every thought, that each is an opportunity to be a better me.  My heart tells me that sometimes its just too hard.

There is an understood thought that one must look inside themselves, to do what truly makes them happy, to be truthful to themselves.  Living authentically is... well, its difficult when all you've ever known is living for others.  This was my horrible moment of clarity today.  I've lived my entire life living for others.  Not even the right people.  People who took without gratitude.  People who without notice or warning, would make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I've never thought enough about myself to see what these people were doing was wrong.  But even now that I'm aware that how they treated me was wrong, now that I have clarity, I still don't feel right. 

You would think that because I've done an amazing job getting these people out of my life and building relationships with people that really do have my best interest at heart, I'd feel like a whole person.  I don't.  I feel absolutely hopeless.  Anxious.  Frazzled.  I feel, at times, absolute discontent.  Lonely. 

Most people who are getting out of bad relationships are faced with the task of getting back the pieces of themselves that they lost because of the relationship.  My task is harder than that.  I've been forced to figure out who I am from the beginning.  I look in the mirror and have daily reminders of how little I thought of myself.  I have to style my hair in certain ways because it was pulled out so many times that it won't grow back in certain places, I have skin issues because out of being nervous all the time, I picked at my skin.  These are things that would be considered only "skin deep" by some, but they are more than that.  They are my daily reminder that I didn't even give myself a chance to figure me out before getting involved in relationships that forced me to only believe in the other person.

I don't like to think of myself as a troubled person.  I don't like to think of myself as a lost cause.  I don't like to think of myself as a person that is nothing without someone else.  The problem is this:  I have never, in my life, been anything unless I was standing next to someone else.  Its hard to stand alone, especially when you don't have anything to stand for. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Buck Up Buttercup...

And here it goes...  Ugh!

There will be more to come on this subject.  All I have to say at this point is this:  Doctors must be trained in some special way to give you bad knews without actually giving it to just so you can spend the next two weeks waiting for the next round of getting bad news without really getting it.  At what point am I going to be told just what the hell is happening. 

I don't feel anywhere near emotionally capable of being on this roller coaster.  I feel like tp'ing and egging my doctors house right now.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Up, Up And Beyond...

Pride- noun. A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

Pride can take a lot of forms.  It can be noun, adjective, verb.  It's a happy word.

I've used pride a lot recently.  Maybe not in the correct way all the time, but I am finally adult enough to realize that it's an important trait to have.  Today, in particular, I've used pride not just for me but for Luca as well.

Planning Luca's memorial service has been weighing heavily on me.  I guess I put it off for fear of the emotions that it would bring up.  I've been stuggling with the possibility of never being able to have another child lately and have been completely avoiding dealing with the child that needs to be remembered.  But I did it.  Without even thinking about it this morning, I found myself looking up memorial ideas.  It was a proud moment.  Not just a proud moment, a proud feeling.  As his mother, I was able to come up with a plan that I feel will celebrate the time he spent with me.

Something magnificent happens in your body and mind when you experience true pride.  Hopefully, wherever Luca is, he feels it the same way I do.  He is going to have a beautiful service.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Bucket List....

I've been putting a lot of energy into figuring "me" out.  So much so, that there are times when I feel absolutely hopeless.  It takes a great amount of effort to be so self-critical.  However, it's necessary if one really desires happiness. 

A couple years ago, I happened upon this little piece of heaven.  Iguaza Falls in Brazil.  You might be saying to yourself, "its a waterfall, just a waterfall." Well, simply put... No, no it isn't.  Not only are the waterfalls some of the largest in the world, but there is a beautiful story behind them.  Legend has it that a god planned to marry a woman.  She ended up fleeing with her mortal lover in a canoe.  In a fit of rage, the god sliced the river, creating the waterfalls and condemming this woman and her lover to an eternal fall.

There is something mystical about not just the story, but the falls themselves.  I look at pictures often to remind me that there is a reason that I feel so connected to this place.  I feel happy when I look at these pictures.  This place gives me a little jolt of gratitude.  Its a simple reminder that people can live many different lives and never realize it.  You can be connected to something without rhyme or reason.  Do you have enough strength to search for the meaning?  Or do you stand back and let life pass you by?

Visiting this place has just been put on my bucket list...

Monday, January 17, 2011

"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. This is the judgment. Life's most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others?"- Martin Luther King Jr.

"Hate can not drive out hate.  Only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem"- Martin Luther King Jr.

I felt the need to post twice in one day because the last quote of his has a little more meaning to me.  I often find myself going through many days thinking that people don't really understand what they're saying.  I know that I find myself hoping that people take heed to what I'm saying, but often I don't believe that it is as poignant as what MLK said to all of us.

I've been sitting here for the last hour watching Oprah.  As always, whenever there is anything on that has anything to do with racism, I get upset.  I've never understood what "the big deal" is.  I've lived 30 years always and ONLY being attracted to black men.  I have half black children.  I have friends that are mixes of other races, not just black and white.  I know that people in general have come a long way.  But racism isn't just about black and white.  There are many people in this world that are mixes of different races.  For lack of a better example, people make fun of Tiger Woods all the time, but he is a mix of different races.  Not just black and white. 

I found myself in tears at a couple points of Oprah's episode.  It isn't that I take these things personally.  I think back to the day that I had to tell my mom in sixth grade that a mexican guy asked me out.  Her response to me is that she didn't care, that race didn't matter.  I was relieved.  Not because I really like this person, but because I knew at that moment that my mom would support me, no matter what.  There was a lot more to this person liking me that doesn't need to be discussed.  The point is this... I knew at that moment that the person I've always depended on to make decisions for me, was allowing me to make my own decisions.  She was allowing me to decided whether or not this person was worthy of me- regardless of his race.

I figured out shortly after that experience, that I was also attracted to black men.  My first black boyfriend is the cousin of my daughters father!  Looking back over the years, I don't think that I've shorted myself.  I've dated most races.  I've just come to the realization that I prefer black men. 

What makes me upset about race is this... I realize that I was lucky with the parents that I have.  I know their parents didn't and maybe still don't hold the same values that they do about race, but how can we possibly be at the year, we as a people are, and still have people that think that its okay to have the 'race' discussion.  I hate to break it to all of you but not only are there black people, but there are 'mulatto' and other mixes of races happening, what are you gonna do when just pure white are the minority?  Man, I can't wait for those days....

Revelations and Confusion...

A couple days ago I wrote about having information that effect not only me but others as well.  I'm conflicted about sharing this information because of relationships that can possibly be completely destroyed.  Not that they aren't already.  I'm really torn because I don't know whether or not sharing can actually be the catalyst to mending these relationships.

The revelation came to me at some point this weekend after I wrote the last blog.  I believe that I can't remember (or should I say, have selective memory about) my childhood because I was also involved.  This is why I'm confused.  Do I have the discussion about my childhood in order to get it off my chest and risk the inability to ever mend certain relationships or do I keep it to myself and hope that one day I will be able to talk to a certain person again?  I was told something in confidence years ago and promised that I would never tell.  However, now that I realize that I may have been involved and that's why I don't have memories of my childhood, I'm not quite sure that I feel comfortable keeping it in.  The relationship with this person has been really strained over the years and I don't know if it will actually benefit the relationship to open the subject. 

I've come a long way recently and I don't want anything to hold me back from continuing to progress, but I also don't want to put up a permanent roadblock from mending this relationship.  Confusion is a hard thing to deal with sometimes.  Especially when you aren't sure what the lesser of two evils is....

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I have a serious dilemma...

My parents have always told me that they don't feel like I'm always completely honest with them.  My usual response is "I tell you about things that have an effect on our lives as a whole."  Of course, this response always upsets them.

I've been attempting lately to mend broken relationships.  It isn't necessarily working out, but I guess things happen in time.  Here's the problem... If I have information that could potentially make my relationship with certain people better but make relationships with others worse... What do I do?  Is it better to just keep it to myself and just hope that all the relationships come together?  Or do I talk without omitting in order to save the relationships I can?

What to do? What to do?  *thumps finger against chin*

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Universe Works In Mysterious Ways...

I've always been one of "those" people.  The people that blame everyone else when the current relationship their in doesn't work.  Mostly its because of insecurity.  See, whenever I get out of a relationship, the person that I was with decides that his next relationship is "the one."  Because of this, I spend a lot of time blaming everyone else for the demise so that I don't have to second guess myself.  If I don't do that I would spend way too much time bad mouthing myself.  Every person I've ever been in a relationship with was treated very well.  I've always gone beyond what I needed to in order to keep the relationship.  So much so that I end up feeling like I completely lost myself.  But I never minded, because I wanted to keep the relationship.  In short... I ended up looking really stupid.

All that said, I've come to a decision.  There was a mutual favor done in those relationships.  Not only was I not ready to be in a relationship, neither were they.  Don't get me wrong, I sincerely loved the people I've been involved with.  I cared about them all deeply.  I guess to a point, I still do.  But it wasn't right.  I would have ended up miserable with all of those relationships.  Ah hell... I was miserable in those relationships.  It was hard to end all of them... But it needed to happen.

Love is fickle... just because you love and care about someone doesn't mean they feel the same way.  What I've learned is that I DON'T need them to reciprocate.  I thank the universe everyday that I still have the ability to experience real love given the horrible experiences I've endured.  I finally feel like I am a whole person.  I do not need anyone to fulfill me.  I am who I am.  Whoever decides to come into my life can only enhance. 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Be careful of the strings you cut...

I had the opportunity to visit some people last night that were very important to me in the past.  The downside is that it was family members (a brother and the brothers mom) of someone that I was once involved with.  The funny part about it is that I wasn't at all concerned that I would run into my ex.  At one point, the mother made a comment that I "met the wrong brother."  This made me laugh, a lot.  Mostly because it was true!

On the way home I thought a lot about how when you get involved with someone, you aren't just getting involved with them.  New relationships are formed with that persons friends and family.  If the relationship doesn't work you then have to decide whether you continue the relationships you've gained.  Sometimes it isn't possible but last night reminded me that I don't necessarily believe that you can't continue the other relationships.  I have always been treated well by these people and I have always treated them like family.  I know that they wouldn't put me in a bad position.  They have voiced to me several times how proud they are that I have cut that relationship out of my life.  Like mom said last night, I met the wrong brother.  When it was said we both kind of laughed it off but we knew she was right.  He's been a really good friend to me over the years and understands the stuggles I had with his brother.  Even though we don't talk often, we have special friendship.  When we see each other its like there was no absence. 

I know that I can not be involved with this part of the family on a daily basis but I know the value that these people hold in my life.  They didn't have anything to do with the demise of that relationship- should my relationship with them be faulted? I certainly hope not because I value the fun that I have with them.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Happiness Comes In Many Forms....

I've had the "happiness" discussion a few times with a few different people over the last couple days.  The point made in all of these conversations is that happiness rubs off.  If you're happy, it makes other people happy.  Its contagious.

I did something today that threw my happiness into overdrive.  It won't be felt by other people for months, but I'm super excited about it.  Today I signed up for not one but two different marathon walks.  In May I will be participating in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk and in June I will be walking in the Salt Lake Pride Marathon to support the local LGBT Center.  These are causes that I've wanted to support for a long time and I'm finally going to do it.

Now I just need to get my behind on the treadmill and start preparing my body for it.  Not only am I going to benefit physically and mentally but I'm also going to be supporting two wonderful groups.  It truly is amazing how happiness spreads.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The guy from 4E... The boy around the corner... oh, and him, well, I think he lives in GA...

Its important to have an open mind.  Especially in regards to dating.

Most 16 year old girls have a list of qualities that their future husband must have- what he MUST look like, how much money he'll need to make, humor, sensitivity etc.  I was not one of those girls.  I've always looked at dating as an experience.  I didn't want to come up with some kind of list with my girlfriends that was going to tie me into a knot of a man that probably, NO... doesn't exist.  I've dated a lot of different types of people. Race, age, class, personality, tall, short (no one shorter than me- this is the only thing I've ever stuck to!)  Being open has given me the chance to, at the age I am now, really make the correct decisions as to what my "type" is.  No 16 year old, male or female, can make that kind of decision.

What I'd really like to know is this.... Why is it that whenever you say "I'm putting this off for a while, I'm going to work on me... Really work on who I am," does every man in your life plus some new one's decide to make an appearance?  I'm not the only person this happened to today, and I think its just really freakin hilarious the way the universe talks to us.  I need to figure this out.  I need to have some understanding as to why this always seems to be the way it works.

Monday, January 10, 2011

You can't complain if you DON'T do anything about it....

Must. Stop. Undermining. Myself.

Must. Stop. Undermining. Myself.

Must. Stop. Undermining.

Must. Stop.


This is not an option.  I have been feeling so good about myself lately that as soon as I have a down moment instead of taking it for what it is and immediately coming up with remedies, I sit and sulk.  I'll admit that the current issue is pretty trivial but it effects me because I'm a girl. I wouldn't be living authentically if I didn't recognize what I'm feeling right now. IT SUCKS... IT SUCKS.... IT SUCKS.

I'm going to sit here and throw the remainder of my temper tantrum and then I'll get over it.

It can only continue to effect  me if I just sit...

What I wouldn't give to have one of those Dove chocolate wrappers that have the upbeat messages printed on the inside....

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Oh to be that age again.... Wait, No....

I've been complaining a lot recently about getting older.  Specifically, about my body showing signs of age.  Its harder to recover when there's an injury.  Its harder to recover from drinking too much.  Its hard to recover emotionally when things with your body decide to start shutting down.  I've realized something over the last couple days... I'm fully aware that as you age your body wants to take it easy, but your brain doesn't.  Your brain still thinks your body should function as it always has.  As a woman, my brain thinks my body should be doing things that may now be in jeopardy.  This has been a hard task for me to grasp.

This morning, I was reminded that I AM getting older.  I woke up at 8 am to four 18-20 year old boys just getting ready to go to sleep.  I joked about how nice it would be to be their age again.  To be free from injuries, responsibility and anything else that would take away a persons zest for life.

I took Janis to work and on the way back I was talking myself into coming in the house and not doing any of the things that I planned on doing because I knew three of the boys were sleeping in the living room.  I mean, it would be rude of me to come in and start cleaning.  I got home, came into the room and shut the door.  I sat on the bed for a while without thought but then something popped into my head, I don't need to be quiet for them.  It isn't my fault they stayed up all night playing video games.  I didn't run out of the room and start cleaning, even though I wanted to. 

I've come to realize that I don't mind getting older.  I don't mind physical pain, I have a heating pad for that.  I love that I can look at these boys and laugh that I have a greater understanding of how life really works.  I know these boys, they make me laugh.  But they have a lot to learn.  I know that I'm still learning but I have a great level of gratification for my experiences.  Getting older isn't just about your body falling apart- Its about reaching a greater level of peace and understanding.

Like Stan would say.... I'm like fine wine....

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Secret To A Long Life?

Last night my girls and I made a new friend, Arnold.  He was on the dance floor dance all by himself.  I mean, this man was gettin it!  It started as us saying "Damn" and then laughing a little.  At one point we walked outside and he was out there.  He started talking to us and by the end of the night I had fallen completely in love with him. 

In one of our conversations, Janis made a comment to him about his dance moves.  He said "Ya know what the secret to a long life is? You have to either like or love yourself.  Its nice to have people in your life that feel the same way about you that you do, but if they don't, Fuck them."  He went on to say that he doesn't care what people think.  He is happy with himself.  At the end of every day when he goes to sleep, he knows that he was the best he could be for him.

What Arnold said stuck with me.  I'm slowly but surely getting to the point where I accept me.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the magnificent.  Its nice to have people to take the ride with you, but if all they're going to do is find flaws, you don't need them.  Flaws make you beautiful.  Even cement has cracks....

Friday, January 7, 2011

For Luca....

I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am... in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you...

I miss you my love...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Must Have Faith...

I'm a different person.... Physically and Emotionally.  I was ready for the next step.  This is the next step.

I'm not giving up on creating a new life of contentment and making it last.

But sometimes I have to remind myself that just because Sin City is a few hours away- its not okay to run.  Face it... Deal With It... Feel Accomplished With The End Result.

I'm going to really LIVE... I'm going to SHOW OFF!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Chutes and Ladders probably would have been easier....

I had an aha! moment today... I am having an excruciating time finding the positive in hard situations. 

I had been experiencing a relaxing, productive day like I did yesterday.  A couple hours ago, I received some news that I wouldn't say is bad, just disappointing.  Ever since, I've been sitting on the couch self-sabotaging.  A thousand little "you suck" thoughts have been running through my brain at the speed of light.  None of these thoughts are leading me in the right direction.  I'm fully aware of that.  But it just seems easier to take the low road. 

How does someone who has been doing such a good job feeling good about themselves take such a huge step back?  What worries me the most is... It took such a long time to get here, I don't know if I have the time or energy to attempt it again.  Its kind of like when you play Candyland and your almost to the top and then you draw that card that has the candycane on it and you have to go all the way back to the starting line. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Done, Done, Done and.... Done....

I'm not a list person.  Wait, I need to rephrase that.  I make lists all the time.  When I take vacations, I make lists of things to pack.  When I need to grocery shop, I make a list.  When someone in my little family needs things, I make lists.  I also make lists of things that need to be done around the house.  The problem is that I always end up throwing the list away having not followed it.  I guess I believe that just because I made the list- I should feel a sense of accomplishment.

Last night as Janis and I were watching TV I noticed that every once in a while she would quickly write something down.  I asked her what she was doing and she said "making my to-do list for the next couple days."  Of course I chuckled at her.  By the end of the night I was telling her things to write down.

This morning before getting out of bed I unconsciously reached over and picked up Luca's pictures I received from the hospital a couple days ago.  Doing this reminded Janis that she picked up a small album the other day for me to put his pictures in.  When I saw the photo album I knew that I couldn't just put it to the side.  I sat in bed drinking my coffee and put the album together.  When I was finished, I had a genuine feeling of accomplishment.  So of course I couldn't stop there.

The two of us were rapid balls of fury running through the house... cleaning, organizing, grocery shopping, donating clothes and I even cleaned out the pantry and fridge of all the things we will no longer be able to eat and drink.

The list we made last night hasn't been completed but there's a reason for that.  Most of what we did today wasn't actually on the list.  Tomorrow is another day.  Now that we've had the opportunity to sit down and reflect on what got done- we're a proud couple of people.  Moral of the story:  No matter what it is in your life that needs attention and love, its important to get it done.  The way your soul feels when its taken care of is nothing short of magnificent.

Now if I could just find the Ibuprofen 800 to take away the pain in my body....

Monday, January 3, 2011

Keyword: Communicate Part Deuce...

Is it lying if information is just plain omitted?  Even if someone didn't ask a direct question about it, but attempted to.

Hmmm....(finger to chin)...*shakes head*

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Keyword: Communitcate

I got a bright idea today to clean out folders in all of my email accounts today.  I value organization, without it I would be a lost lady.  I cleaned out one folder in one account.  I didn't fully accomplish my task, but I made progress.  I opened the sent folder and literally read through everything the folder contained.  Keep in mind, this folder only went back to December 1, 2010, it contained 689 emails.

I came to a couple realizations while sifting through the madness.  The first is that, I absolutely love the daily contact I have with Stan.  Second, there are times that I was probably a little bit too hard on him.  The two us of talk basically everday.  Some conversations are just random tidbits of speech, but others well, it seems like were attempting to have substance.  He has a roundabout way of trying to teach me to get to a point where I hold myself accountable.  He'll ask a question and in true Laura fashion, I reply with some kind of smartass comment.  He'll go along with it and in the end, I end up giving him a hard time about not having a clear understanding of where our relationship is going.  He'll tell me I'm thinking too much, which upsets me even more and then we stop the conversation there.  He has a forgiving personality, so he'll email me the next morning just to see how I slept.  He's strong.  It's rare that you come across someone that can forget everything that was said the previous day.  I don't actually think that he forgets, I think he just chooses to see that I'm a work in progress.

I thrive on having someone to talk to everyday.  E-mail and IM have been our number one source of communication for a long time- while it isn't ideal, I know that is better than nothing.  The good thing about this is that because I know how he speaks, what his voice sounds like, tones that he uses with certain words, etc., I don't think our lack of actually voice or face to face communication is hindered. Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to just be able to sit in front of him and have an actual conversation.  But thats mostly because I haven't been able to see his face for so long. 

Commication has a lot of forms.  Having just recently lost a child, I talk to him in my head all the time and I have peace during these conversations that somewhere out there, he hears me.  I have a wonderful roommate that is able to sit for days and do nothing but talk.  This has been a rare occasion for Laura in the past.  I've also never been a big hugger- most affection for that matter has been an issue.  Janis and I hug A LOT!!! Sometimes for no reason, but I cherish these moments.  E-mail of course has become a big way of communication for a lot of people.  When e-mail started to get big, I fought it a little bit and still attempted to sit down and hand write letters to people.  I've learned that I type a lot faster than my brain sends signals to my fingers to write.  So I gave in. 

It sounds cliche' but communication really is important.  Not just for the person you're talking to but for you as well.  If you walk aways from any kind of conversation not feeling confident, there's obviously something within that needs to be worked on.  You have to be stong in what you're saying.  It could be something as simple as a joke- if you walk away feeling like the other people didn't get it, then it was pointless.  You can't do anything about people's listening skills but you can be confident in what you're saying.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 is...

I brought in 2011 sitting on the couch in my jammies. Don't get me wrong, even though we had plans, I was happy that they fell through.  I had Janis and she had me and thats all we needed.  My belly is still having an ongoing arguement with the vodka and oj- but I feel really good about our boring night.

2011 is going to a fantastic year because I AM GOING TO MAKE IT FANTASTIC.

Here's to always bringing out the positive and always feeling good about yourself.