Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Even the sanest people have moments of insanity. 

I have them all the time.  I'm flawed. Cracked.  At one time, I was completely broken.  I was, in short, Humpty Dumpty.  I fell off the wall several times. 

Nobody is perfect.  I've never claimed to be.  If anything, I'm really good at being able to remind people how screwed up I am.  I take comfort in all of my insanity.  My insanity is... my comfort blanket.  It's all I have.  I get to feel the twists and turns of emotions.  When I'm sad it's hard to get out of bed.  When I'm happy, I'm the sun itself. 

I guess it's time for an admission... I'm Manic-Depressive.


 I don't like being labeled.  I don't like people recognizing my mood swings.  Although, I do like to be acknowledged.  I've spent my life stuggling to have an understanding of Me.  I started writing because I don't have childhood memories.  I was looking to have something jar my brain.  I found something completely different.  I found Me, present tense.  I'm not a perfect person.  I can not fix things that may or may not have happened as a child or teenager.  All I can do at this point in my life is embrace my insane moments (like yesterday when I was super upset). 

I don't want to change things.  At times, I would love if certain things were different.  But, change?  I've decided that's a big no-no.  I've learned a lot and that I do not take that for granted. 

I'm moving into a BIG life... sanity or no sanity at all, I'm going to accomplish amazing things.  Who's jumping on the ride with me?

Monday, March 28, 2011



Literal but NOT truthful

This has been bothering me for days.  Is this what people really think about me? 

I will say this... I am a fan of invention and reinvention.  I like to think that I'm adaptable, a chameleon.  I like to think that I've learned enough lessons in my lifetime that allow me to realize the importance of my soul and my purpose.  It's important to be somewhat selfish.  How are you suppose to take care of You if you aren't? I had to be narcissistic to get out of that relationship.  I had to find my WORTH.  I had to find power to believe that I deserved more than what I'd accepted in that relationship.  My decision to be in that relationship didn't effect only me, but in order for me to make everyone's lives better, I had to GET selfish.  I had to put everything I had into me.  It doesn't matter how much you tell someone or how you tell them, people will never understand what being involved in abusive relationship entails unless they have personally dealt with it.  I had no choice but to get selfish.  The amazing thing to me is this...  the end result of that relationship was not a selfish one.  I'd grown up by the end of it.  I made an adult decision.  I am a better person for it.

Writing this, all I can think is... My life is like a bad Lifetime-Made-For-TV movie.  Actually, Lifetime turned the book Reviving Ophelia into a movie.  I remember watching Lifetime with my roommate a couple months ago.  The advertisement for the movie came on, my response, " I refuse to watch that."  And of course she set a reminder for it to record.  I was rebellious.  I tested boundaries.  I was the girl that was happy being the outcast.  My parents... were sad.  Disappointed.  They signed up for a class given at my high school on how to relate to teenagers and get them through the "troubling" years.  This angered me and I rebelled more.  My parents bought this book.  I don't know if they realized that I knew they had it.  I don't think they were trying to hide it.  I never fully read it, but I glanced at sections.  The problem is, by the time they bought the book, I was too far gone.  At least, that's what I think they thought of me.  I wasn't a virgin for some time.  I was already involved in a relationship that was showing signs of abuse.  I had friends that didn't exhibit the best behavior.  All I wanted my parents to do, as any other rebellious teen, was wash their hands of me, and they did.  At least that's what they said.  They threw their hands up and said "I'm done." 

Physically, they were there.  They didn't go anywhere.  There was always a continued relationship on both sides.  Was it a whole relationship?  Nope, not at all.  There's fault on both sides.  I remained upset with my parents for things and they remained upset with me.  We've maintained a relationship based on obligation all these years. Real conversations are strained, if they even happen.  They want me to own up to things and I want them to own up to things. Maybe that sounds harsh, but at this point, that's Truthfully and Authentically how I feel.  I feel like I've tried.  I feel like I made attempts to have relationships be better but when I try I'm told that it's fake.  I don't have it in me, regardless of the situation, to take all of the responsibility.  I can't.  If I do, I feel like I'd be reverting back to the me I was in all those abusive relationships. 

I'm probably going to get into even more trouble for writing this.  Am I prepared for the consequence? Yes.  Everything you do in life has a consequence.  Whether the consequence ends up being a good one or a bad one, is completely up to you.  Do I want things to be different? Of course.  I wish I would have come to all of these realizations years ago so that the lives of my children wouldn't be hurt.

You decide how things effect your life.  I have gone over my life, time and time again, I made decisions that put me where I am today.  I know... I know that I have to take responsibility, and I am.  I can't force things.  All I can do is, simply... Be me, deliberately and authentically.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It's time to JUMP OFF the roller coaster... It's not fun anymore

I woke up refreshed.  Well, maybe not completely.  As Jani would say "Everytime you wake up, you have big lips. As in you look like you're pouting."  The sun was out, bright eyed and bushy tailed.  It made me happy.  It made me want to continue our work on the patio.  So, we went to the nursery... and then to Lowe's... and then to K-Mart.  It was a busy morning.  A productive morning. We didn't get a lot, but enough to start.  Lavendar, a mix of spices, brussel sprouts, radishes, okra and couple different bird feeders. 

After taking care of some other business, I came home to relax and wait for Jani to get off work to plant.  But instead of relaxing, I recieved a swift kick in my ass.  Not a physical kick.  An emotional kick.  It sounds cliche' but... It really doesn't matter how close people may be to you, you never know what people are going through.  Honestly, I do my best.  How can I possibly be "truthful" or "transparent" but be told that I'm "not really living authentically" when I've tried to have truthful conversations and the other person wouldn't listen?  My lesson here is this... Making assumptions will get you in trouble.  Tread lightly.  Just because you think things are in one place, doesn't mean the other person will agree with you.  Continue your path... AUTHENTICALLY continue your path.

Anyhoo... in a bout of frustration in my inability to stay calm and tear free, I decided to start the planting without my dear friend.  I'm glad I didn't wait.

I made a HUGE mess... (this isn't all of it!)

I love herbs... Hopefully I won't lose the markers!

My new lonely lavendar plant... It needs friends


Brussel Sprouts... I can't wait for these!!!!

Okra... Here comes some GUMBO!!!!

Planting these things made me relax a ton.  I can't wait for these things to start producing. I've decided that my life is a lot like these veggies... Even though it's taken a little while, I will "bloom,"  I will start producing.  It sucks that people aren't gonna be there to savor what comes out of it.  It sure will be delicious.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

It's Up!!!!!

I really hope I don't get fat!!!!!!!!
As if I'm not already spread too thin... But I'm so looking forward to it.

Tonight I'm going to start my new project... a food blog.  I know what you're saying, "Oh, that's a fantastic idea.  There isn't anything like that already!"  I'm not going to say mine is going to be different or special.  Honestly, I don't or haven't, I should say, read food blogs.  I love cooking.  I don't necessarily love reading about it.  I love recipes, but I don't love having to go to the internet oblivion for them.  I like recipes that have been handed down.  The one's that are in my grandmother's handwriting on pieces of paper that are falling apart.  I'm the kind of girl that walks into the kitchen and finds something to make with a jar of peanut butter, frozen peas and crackers.  Don't worry, I've never actually used those ingredients together.  I'm just saying that I love love love the feeling I have when I've put a meal together that actually tastes good.

I guess you could say... I eat on a budget.  I feed people on a budget.  So, that's what this project is going to be about... Eating Deliciously For Next To Nothing.

As soon as I have it completely up and running, I'll let everyone know...  I hope you're as excited as me. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Spring is in the air... The birds are chirping... And me, well... I have to keep reminding myself that I should be happy.

I do this.  I do really good for a while and then I hit a slump that is oh so hard to get out of.  My life is good right now.  I have amazing friends, relationships with family members (while not super good) are getting better, a stable job and insomnia that I've decided to just succomb to.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't lay in bed all day with sadness.  I get up, go to work, clean the house, cook.  I get up and take care of business.  But in whatever my day consists of, I find myself feeling somewhat spiteful.  Not towards others.  I hate myself.  I hate what I've done to my life. 

I'm fully aware of how far I've come.  I made a conscious effort a while ago to do things different, to be different.  I had to make a concerted effort to get out of the comfort zone I'd created in drama.  I love love love the quiet space my life is in.  See... There's this girl that I met through a friend, we also work together.  She reminds me of Me 15 years ago.  The thing that sucks for her is that she's a couple years older than me.  I keep her at arm's length.  I don't like being around her because trouble follows in one form or another.  Everytime I'm around her, I'm reminded of how freaking stupid I've been most of my life.  She came into my life for a reason... To show me how life-illiterate I've been.

I KNOW I'm not lost... I'm floating around somewhere... Floating can be fun... But at some point, I'd like to have my feet planted in something. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

I'm looking for something.  I think I lost it a long long long long long long long time ago.  Back in the childhood years, cause I don't remember really ever having it.

Talent.  The feeling that I'm nothing but awesome at something.  Don't get me wrong.  I know I'm GOOD at a lot of things.  But I don't have the feeling when I'm done that I did such a good job that I want to continue it.  This feeling includes most aspects of my life.  Including my parenting skills.  So, I guess you could say... I usually end up always screwing up because I don't have confidence in myself to complete the task.

Something happened.  Something was said.  Something has prevented me from feeling a genuine sense of accomplishment my entire life.  I don't know what it is, but I want it back. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Everyone loves hindsight, right?  I mean... You have to love something that is clear as day and gives you perfect clarity.

I'm not in love with my parenting skills.  But, I am in love with her smile.  What I wouldn't give now to go back and just put up with the crap a little bit longer.  Everything would be different now.  I would have my family together.  She would have everything she needs and wants.  And I... well, I would be able to see that smile everyday. 

I have a lot of work to do.  

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sometimes... The truth hurts.

Sometimes... Giving the truth to those you love hurts worse than the person receiving it.

Wish me luck- this should be interesting.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Your's Truly is in a slump.  Maybe its because I've been sick for the last few days.  My physical body is breaking my mental and emotional health.  Seriously breaking it.

There are so many things that I want to accomplish.  I want to feel like I'm good at something.  Talented.  Amazing.  Just one thing... I just want one thing.  Something to focus my attention.  Something that is just second nature, that I don't have to work that hard for. Something that when I'm done, I can sincerely say was not hard to do.

Life is not easy.  In order to accomplish things, you have to work for it.  I already know that.  It's been drilled into my brain.  I understand the fundamentals.  I understand the reasons why.  But at some point, when I've yet to reap the benefits, it's hard for me to desire continuing the process.