Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Just Do It...

Just call me... Tweedle Dee OR Tweedle Dumb, whichever you prefer.

It seems like I can't remember anything these days.  I have a huge list of things I want to get done, be it cleaning or some kind of house project BUT... I can't keep my wits long enough to finish anything..

However, today... I finished something.  The funny thing is, it wasn't even on my list.  The project just popped into my brain and I sat down and did it.  I'm feeling so accomplished right now... 

  I really wanted to start my 13 week challenge this week, but my forgetfullness is really getting in the way. I will be reporting shortly on my progress with that

Until Next Time...

Friday, April 22, 2011

I want more.

I need something fullfilling. Don't get me wrong... I love being a parent.  I love being a puppy and kitty parent.  I love the friendships I've created and nurtured. I love seeing what happens to the plants I've put in soil.  I love when I can feed people.  All this said... there's something missing.  

I don't really feel like anything I've done is really meaningful.  Maybe it's because there's been so much grief in my family.  Maybe it's because I've struggled for so long to have meaningful relationships with people, I don't recognize it when it's in front of me.  

 Maybe I'm thinking about it too much.  Maybe I'm putting more into it than I need to.  Maybe... I should just stick to simplicity.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Simplicity Of It All...

I love the sun.  Not just because it gives your skin a healthy glow.  Not because it provides you with just the right amount of vitamin D.  It's happy.  It comes up and says "Hey, look at me.  I'm happy.  I'm gonna help you be happy too."

I've tried really hard over the last few months to find a simpler way.  I've always made happiness an adventure that was nothing short of complicated.  There's always been a Catch 22 when I entered into a contract with happiness. What I've realized is that happiness doesn't require a contract.  Happiness is simple to obtain.  You just have to be willing to see it when it's standing in front of you.

In my desire to find the bright side of my failures, I've found forgiveness and care.  My failures have given me the ability to forgive, not just myself but others.  Challenges don't seem so challenging anymore.  Wrong-doings don't seem so wrong.  Words said in arguements don't seem so harsh.

All that said... I'm giving myself a huge challenge.  I'm entering this challenge knowing that I might want to quit.  It's not going to be easy.  But it will make me more aware of myself and others. My intention in this is that my soul will be awakened.  Intention is powerful. 

I. Will. Not. Quit.
I. Will. Not. Quit.
I. Will. Not. Quit.

Without further adieu...

He tested himself on these virtues:

  1. Temperance- "Eat not to dullness and drink not to elevation."
  2. Silence- "Speak but not what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation."
  3. Order- "Let all of your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time."
  4. Resolution- "Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve."
  5. Frugality- "Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself."
  6. Industry- "Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions."
  7. Sincerity- "Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and if you speak, speak accordingly."
  8. Justice- "Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
  9. Moderation- "Avoid extremes. Forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
  10. Cleanliness- "Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation."
  11. Chastity- "Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; Never to dullness, weakness  or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
  12. Tranquility- "Be not disturbed at trifles or at accidents common or unavoidable."
  13. Humility- "Imitate Jesus or Socrates."

I've been researching this challenge for a little over a month.  I think I delayed because I didn't want to hold myself accountable.  But... I'm ready.  I think.  It doesn't matter.  I'm done wasting time.  Even though Mr. Franklin tracked his progress daily, my plan is to track my progress weekly. Each week, I will focus (and I mean, REALLY FOCUS) on one topic.  I might not follow the order, but I will hit each one.  Not only will I hold myself accountable but I'll have all of you to keep me in line. 

My hope is this... In my desire to maintain simple and authentic living, I might be able to help another find simple and authentic living.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I've been STUPID lately.

I get so frustrated that I lose sight.  I love my family, even the one's I haven't spoken to.  My heart doesn't ignore that it has a connection to people.  Lack of communication doesn't mean that I don't wonder about them all the time.  I don't want to rant and rave.  I don't want... to be that girl.  The one that walks around all day with a sad face.  It causes wrinkles.

Things in my family didn't go wrong overnight, I really need to remember that.  It's going to take more than a conversation or two to get everyone on track.  Actually, it's going to take willingness to have more than a conversation or two.  I think that's the keyword here... willingness.  There needs to be a desire for people to sit down and actually hear what each other are saying. 

I can't force others to talk to me.  I can't force myself to not have the desire to talk.  All I can do is maintain my willingness for when they're ready. 

It's time to go enjoy the sun... I hope everyone has a fantastic day.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I should be thankful.  I should feel some level of gratitude.  I should be satisfied.
F.... THAT...

This is bullshit.  I don't have any reason to be grateful for nonsense.  That's exactly what it is. Nonsense.  Any person with any level of common sense would agree.

I hate feeling this way.  I don't like ranting.  That's the old me.  I was good at playing the victim role.  I don't expect to be happy-go-lucky all the time.  What I do expect is that I figure out how to make the best of it.  For whatever reason, I can't.  I don't want to be the old me. 

My brain is telling me to smile... My heart, well... It wants the stress of my "other" issue to go away so that I can smile.  My heart is seriously broken right now and it's having a huge impact on my daily life.  Last night, I read through every last one of my blogs.  Yes, it was a task.  I came to a huge realization- THERE ARE SEVERAL TOPICS I AVOID DISCUSSING.  You'd think that I'd avoid talking about my family because I was specifically asked to- but nope.  What's the point about putting your life out in the open if you really aren't gonna be open?  Funny thing is... I wouldn't even know where to begin without offending people.  Myself included. 

To make matters worse, my insomnia has kicked back in.  Hey... At least we got comfy new couches.  Oh and my painting skills decided to make another appearance this morning.  Maybe I'll paint the night away.

Friday, April 8, 2011

~~~Deal with the faults of others as gently as you deal with your own. Under everyone's hard-shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.~~~

I told her I wouldn't write about her.  She's going to be upset.  I just can't help it.  I'm upset and I have no other outlet.  There isn't anyone I can talk to.  Even if I did have someone to talk to, she would get mad at me and automatically assume that I'm talking shit.

This week has been hard. Denise passing has reminded me that I've never done a very good job maintaining relationships.  I can't even talk to my mother.  There is so much resentment on both sides that neither of us are seeing the big picture.  When it comes to my family, I live in a fog.  I go through the motions knowing there's sunshine on the otherside of that fog but I can't get through it.  Some days it's whispy fog but some days, I can't see my hand in front of my face. 

I've tried on many occasions to pin point where our relationship went wrong.  The only thing that I can come up with is, and I say this as the adult that I am now, we are too much alike.  Not only do we have a lot of the same personality traits, we've struggled with depression.  We just dealt with it differently, I think that caused a huge rift.  I chose to be vocal or rebel or whatever and she didn't want to have any part of it.  She could never understand why.  I could never understand why she just couldn't be honest about it.

Last night, we got into yet another argument about my life.  She was upset with me for referring to Denise as a second mother.  See, she believes that the reason I smoked cigarettes or drank was because Denise gave it to me.  None of which is true.  Because of my issues with depression, I have an addictive personality.  Doesn't really matter if what I'm doing or feeling is good for me, I get addicted to the feeling.  Hence, me drinking as a teenager and continuing, my series of abusive relationships, etc.  There's a lot of factors that go into me drinking, all of which she should understand, but she doesn't. All those "things" I did... are petty.  There's a bigger problem but instead of figuring out what it is... she just yells at me for the same things over and over and over.  I've been hearing the same things from her for over 10 years.  But heaven forbid... I can't say anything to her.  If I try and apologize for the upteenth time, she tells me I'm narcissistic and selfish.  I can't bring up the cycle of alcoholism in the family because it brings up her childhood.  I feel for my mother and what she endured... in a way, the two of us dealt with the same things.  I just dealt with it in men and not family. 

 Instead of having a civil conversation with her about events that effected the family, she yells at me and tells me all of the things I've done to screw up.  I know I made bad decisions.  I know I wasn't the best daughter.  I refused hugs from her growing up.  I refused to talk to her when I had bad thoughts running through my brain, all the while telling her that I was fine.  I forced growing up because in my manic brain all I could do is rely on me- NO ONE and I mean NO ONE, had any idea what I was thinking.  But that makes me think.. all the times I did try and talk to her... her response is that I was being selfish. 

Most days I lay awake encased in a dream that we can smile at each other and mean it.  Most days, I'm hopeful that we will like each other again.  My family lives in a merry-go-round...  A cycle...
Drinking... Fights...Not caring about each other's feelings... Disowning people...
This isn't a new cycle... This didn't start with me and her.  But at what point do we say enough is enough?

Honesty is a fickle thing...  You can give and give and give to someone but sometimes, it's not enough.  Sometimes... the only thing you can do is be honest with yourself.

I've edited the shit out of this post...  I told her I wouldn't write about her.  But I think she should take it as a compliment.  I love my mother.  I've spent this entire week hoping that my mother doesn't pass away.  I've spent this entire week being forced to realize that my mother isn't going to be here forever.  I don't want to be that girl that walks into her mother's funeral, not having spoken to her in years. 

 I've succomb to the fact that me and my dad just don't talk, that's nothing new.  But my mom?  My mom of all people should have a little understanding. 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I didn't sleep for shit last night.  The sleep I did get involved a very vivid dream that included a very physical fight between me and my boss.

My eyes popped open and I immediately went into a very physical anxiety attack.  My entire body was shaking, even my eyeballs.  I couldn't sit, stand, lay down, walk or talk.  I had to go to work like this. It was a VERY long day.

But now... I know why.

I recieved information that a woman I considered a second mother growing up, passed away early this morning.  I've been thinking a lot about these people lately and was even going to send her daughter, my best friend for over 20 years, a message a couple days ago.  I haven't spoken to these people for a long time... Growing Up Angst at its best. 

This woman was humorous, blunt, angry and cheerful all at the same time.  She was the kind of woman that you either really liked her or you really hated her.  She told you how it was.  That was something I always admired about her.  I can't count the times that we would laugh about how "honest" she was.  She definitely took her role as "Puerto Rican New Yorker" to heart. 

Rest In Peace Mrs. Denise Vera... I know you're holding on tight to Justin right now.  Both of you are greatly missed.


Saturday, April 2, 2011

I'm sitting here, feeling.  That's it just "feeling."  I'm not quite sure how to label the things that are swirling around in my head.  I watched Coming Home on Lifetime, I think that has a lot to do with it. It's a show about family.


How can this face not make you happy?

This is Flip.  We adopted him a couple days ago.  He is an 8 month old MinPin, originally named Red, and he's absolutely perfect.  I love the smells and whimpers from puppies.  My roommate and I have been toying with the idea of getting a puppy for a couple months.  This week I noticed all of the postings from the shelters that they were putting down on average 200 animals a day.  Of course this made me sad but I couldn't keep from looking at the postings.  Red's post came up (Flip) and I immediately fell in love.  We immediately got dressed and went to meet him.  They took us into the "meeting room" and brought him in.  He ran across the room and jumped on me, licked me and ran off across the room as if he was performing.  We were the first to look at him, but he knew what he had to do.  We knew within the first few minutes that we'd be taking him home.  He has been absolutely perfect.  He has a playful personality, but loves to cuddle.  He loves going to bed at night so he can get under the covers too.  Oh and loves loves loves cat toys.  I think its because he's got a small mouth. 

Everytime I look at his face... my frustration goes bye-bye...