Friday, December 31, 2010

Independence Is A Game....

At the end of every year I start the dreaded process of evaluting where I'm at and I begin making promises to myself that I'll do better in the next year.  I lie to myself a lot!

I wrote the following list last year... looking at it, I don't know how much I've worked on certain things.  I'll makes notes accordingly next to some items:

2010 List of Laura

  • people need to have something in common to keep them close
  • is freedom or security better?
  • am I emotionally and mentally involved with myself  (End Of Year Note: I think I might actually be making progress with this!!)
  • often hate others confidence (EOYN: I took this too much to heart and now I think others might be hating mine!)
  • ambivalence for life and love
  • always waiting for something external to change my life (EOYN: I had a huge problem with this in 2010)
  • living below capabilities
  • too busy maintaining life- not creating new one (EOYN: I'm in limbo with this right now- I know I've started to create something new- only time will tell whether or not I can keep it up)
  • I am an illusion of strength
  • motionless seesaw of statis
  • Goal: Emotional Spontaneity (EOYN: See the word goal... I wrote that knowing that I wouldn't follow through)
So, here it is the end of the year and I don't really know what progress I've made.  I am going to be more aware of what I am doing this year.  I need to make methodic steps that I can actually keep track of.  I need to hold myself more accountable.  At the end of 2011, I need to know that I made progress even if it was just one baby step.

Here's to keeping it moving... Never back-tracking....

Thursday, December 30, 2010

There are few things in my life that surprise me... but, I will say this, I surprise myself.  Throughout the day I have moments that make me think I am completely and utterly insane.  Only to have something knock me back on my ass and remind me that I'm not.  Most of these moments involve something as simple as music.  The simpliest things can be the best things sometimes.

Music is something that I've learned to appreciate over the years.  I love the slow repitition of ol' school R & B.  I love the fast, hard beats of down south rap (actually, I like most rap.)  When I'm having a difficult time settling my brain, I prefer jazz or clasical- even though the methodical trance of it doesn't put me to sleep like I'd like it to.  Wait for it... there are even times that I'm in the mood to do some serious two-stepping- in those cases, I put on some kind of country- new school or ol' school.  Whatever strikes my fancy at that point.

I'm one of "those" people... The person that turns the tv on only to mute it.  I have music on all day... As Katt Williams would say "all dayyyy, errrr day" (slaps hand down on counter.)  Earlier today I got caught up by this slow jam:

I would hear it come on the radio growing up and I would sing along as I always do, but never put a lot of thought into what the lyrics actually meant.  Halfway through the song I got stuck in a severe love moment and sent it to Stan (who I've mentioned in an earlier post.) The lyrics in this song encompass a lot of how I've felt about him over the last few years.  Actually, its been more than a few, but who's counting.  I don't regret sending it to him but here is where Laura's uncertainty and doubt happen.  I replayed the song after I sent it and then this song popped into my head halfway through:

Songs like this make me wonder if I'm giving feelings to someone I may not really have any clue about.  I mean, I know this person.  I feel like I REALLY know this person.  I know that my doubts don't have anything to do with him.  I know that most of the time when I get stuck in uncertainty its because of my issues.  He shouldn't have to deal with my issues.  But, I guess I do want him to a little bit.  I would do that for him. If he was truly in the position of reciprocating feelings, he shouldn't have any problem dealing with issues of my past, right?

Stan asked me a question the other day about sacrifice.  Sacrifice in regards to why its so hard for people to do even in difficult times.  The easiest answer I could give is because of pride.  I sat on it for a while trying to come up with things that would back up my answer, but failed to come up with anything that would really do the question justice.  What I've come to realize is that people sacrifice when they have a strong spiritual connection to something.  Whether its a higher being, themselves or something else that has a strong influence in their life.  For me, its been him.  He's always been the person I've looked to for guidance and strength, even though he may not see it that way!  I've never been asked to sacrifice for him.  I wouldn't know how to go about doing that.  I do believe that pride plays a part, but I also believe that people let go of things when they know the connection they have is going to be stregthened.  What would be the point in letting go if there isn't anything to gain in the end?

Here's where the surprises come in to play... I tell myself all the time that I can handle anything.  I tell myself all the time that no one can hurt me but me.  I tell myself all the time that I don't need anyone. Suprise! I'm wrong.  I've just been going through the motions of life to make people think I had it together.  The Journey Of LC is in full effect!!!!

Just because there are simple things that doesn't mean there are simple answers....

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I Refuse To Be "That" Lady...

Laura is attempting to live authentically.  To live free from doubt and uncertainty.  Laura is attempting to live peacefully.  Laura gave herself one task to complete everyday- updating the bliggity-blog.  She hasn't succeeded, but hey... recognizing the problem is the first step to reconciliation, right?

This morning involved a lot of discussion about not having "resolutions," but to have, as cliche' as it sounds- LIFE CHANGES. The discussed life changes aren't just about diet or exercise.  They involve having a greater understanding of self.  I like to think that I'm constantly aware of Me, but that is just a big ol' lie...  I really wish I had someone growing up that could have explained the amount of effort it takes and the importance of actually putting the time into it early so that you don't become the age I am and have no clue.  And here it is... I have just given myself another lifetime goal- to be that for someone...other than my babies.

Over the next couple days I will be exercising my brain and making decisions on the steps that I need to take over the next year so that I feel a sense of accomplishment.  I'm choosing to use the word "steps" instead of "goals" because I've found for me I don't follow through when something is attached to the word "goal."  An unsurmountable amount of stress falls upon me.  I get paranoid.  It's sort of like the neighborhood crack-head lady you see walking down the street screaming unrecognizable words, swinging her arms around.  Yep, that's the best way to describe Laura when someone gives her a task to complete and attaches the word "goal" to it.  I become the person that everyone is watching from the porch, "Its really too bad she turned out like that.  She had so much potential. Her po' momma."

Life is a series of tasks.  As I've said before, life has a funny way of keeping you on your toes.  I'm making the decision to put myself on something resembling a Stair Stepping machine... It may not always feel like you're going anywhere, but HOT DAMN! when you get off the machine, your legs tell you otherwise.

Maybe I'll start pie-charting my life... Uh Oh! Maybe Not- I don't know how many "steps" I can handle right now.... I should just stick to learning to love the one person I should have always loved.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Day In The Life Of LC.....

So, in the spirit of having daily humor I thought I should post what happens all day with me...

In the last post I mentioned that I have consistency with the cats, Pico and Lady the Tramp (she's a Lady of the Night!)  A couple weeks ago, I took pictures of one of their fights so that I could narrate it for Janis when she got home from work.  The following is the story of Pico and Lady... (Pico is the white and grey cat, Lady is all grey)

Pico:  Hey Tramp, aren't I just so handsome rubbing myself all over the carpet?
Tramp:  Look, all I wanna do is play with this here cord.  Can you please bounce?

Tramp: No, really Pico you need to leave me with my cord.
Pico: You're such a bitch

Tramp: REALLY fool, don't make get ghetto on you....

Pico: But I'm just so handsome rubbing my face on everything....

Pico: Alright, you're such a bitch....

Pico:  Haha Bitch, I'm not gonna leave- I'm about to beat you down....
Tramp: Aww shit!! You came outta nowhere...

Pico: Its going down... Slowly but for surely....
Tramp thinks to self: This is some bullshit!

Tramp:  Its ON and Poppin! Take that....
Pico: I know this Bitch did not just slap me....

Pico: Cool, I got you.  I'm just gonna sit here and chill. You betta sleep with one eye open.
Tramp:  I know this fool isn't just gonna sit there like nothing happened.  He betta sleep with one eye open....

And the saga continues....

Friday, December 24, 2010

In the end...You are all you have, right?

I now understand why suicide rates go up at Christmas time....  Holidays suck. 

Today is Christmas Eve and I've been sitting on the bed all day with nothing to do but talk to the cats.  Don't get me wrong, I think we've been having productive conversations.  Tramp just lays there and looks at me while I tell her how pitiful I've become.  Every once in a while Pico will come in and try to start a fight with her.  When I tell Pico to be nice he looks at me as if I've just put his life into a tailspin and then he leaves the room.  I do this with the cats two to five times every hour.  I mean, its not what most people would call a fruitful day but hey, its consistent.

I realized yesterday how quickly 2010 came and went.  I went into this year believing with every fiber of my being that this was REALLY going to be my year and that I wouldn't be sad at the end of the year like I had been at the end of most previous years.  I believed that I was in what I was calling "my best and last" relationship, I was making moves to get into a job that was better suited for me, I had women in my life that I just knew would stick with me through anything.  Yep, 2010 was going to be it.

Life has a funny way of keeping you on your toes.  Life wants to constantly remind you that you don't have as much control as you think you do.  Life is a fickle thing.  Life needs constant attention and love.  If it feels slighted in the least, it will make sure that everything you so depend on just isn't there anymore.

I got comfortable.  I got comfortable because for the first time in my life I felt like I had it all.  It isn't that I put everything into my job or put everything into my man- I just decided that I finally had it all and no one could tell me shit.  Well, life told me... life reminded me that I wasn't as on top of things as I thought I was.

The biggest let down obviously was myself.  I believed so much in these things.  I made plans.  I made plans that involved me being happy.  I don't even blame this man.  I allowed him to put me in a position where I made plans that involved happiness.  In the end, I allowed him to put me in a position of utter disappointment.  I was played once again but not by him.  He only did what I believe he always does.  Can't fault him for that.  The worst part is this:  If he showed up tomorrow and asked for forgiveness, I would give it to him.  If he asked me to take him back, I probably would. 

I realize that I am on a journey to find myself. I realize that I am on a journey in finding peace with me.  This isn't an easy process.  Its not easy to have daily aha moments of how just continue to let yourself down.  I don't like feeling like the world would be better without me but the truth of the matter is- I'm not benefiting anyone, including myself. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better.... Merry Effing Christmas to me...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'd have an answer... If I had a measuring cup

“Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald
Three hearts

There is a difference between love and being in love. I can love my friend, my parents, my blog… But being IN LOVE with someone has a different meaning.

Stanley Burrell and I have been friends for more than 10 years. We have a great relationship… we rarely disagree, we love the same music, we like doing the same things, I think. Our friendship is good. Its constant.

Our relationship is ideal in many, many ways… except that I've spent the majority of our friendship forcing falling in love.  Stan isn't passionate about me. He loves me. He enjoys spending time with me, but he isn't IN LOVE with me.  At what point do I stop?  At what point do I say that both of us deserve more than what were giving each other?  Real love is missing from the relationship, and its an important component of what I want.

I’ll start with some definitions (I realize that there are many, many definitions of love – but I chose descriptions that I relate to).

Love – To take delight or pleasure in; to have a strong liking or desire for, or interest in; to be pleased with.
Limerance – An involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person.

So the difference between love and being in love is limerence… the intense romantic desire.

Stanley certainly likes being around me, he finds me attractive, but he lacks the intense romantic desire for me. I've always known that something wasn’t right, but so many things are perfect that I can't really justify leaving the friendship. 

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love - “In the triangular theory of love, love is characterized by three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. Each of these elements can be present in a relationship, producing the following combinations:”
Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

I really like how this theory describes various types of love… And it immediately brings several questions to mind. What kind of relationship are you in? What kind of relationship is acceptable for you? What do you want? What is missing? What can you improve?

At some point, I am going to figure all of this out.  At some point, I am going to feel at ease with my decision.

Three hearts
“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” Flavia Weedn

*** I know I said in my first blog that I wouldn't feel bad naming names, but in the interest of feeling good about myself tonight, I've chosen to change his name. ***

...Deliberate... Living... Yes please, I'll have that.

I didn't start this process without purpose.  I honestly thought that I would be able to sit down everyday and put pen to paper (in this case, finger tip to keys) and make the voices in my head make sense.  I have wanted nothing more than to feel like I continuing making progress.  I NEED to feel like I'm making progress towards my goal of figuring out who I am.  I think I did myself a dis-service.  So instead of feeling like I need to write chronologically- I'm just going to write.

I've never wanted an elaborate life.  I've never desired being the person that was focused on.  I've never enjoyed having any sort of drama.  Yet, thats who I've become.  Actually, thats who I always was.  I've always had drama in one form or another.  In group situations, when I make a smart ass comment and people laugh- I love it.  My life is full of so many complexities that even I can't stand it sometimes.

What I want more than anything is to live deliberately and effortlessly.

I am well aware that there are many things about Laura that need attention but I am going to start with my current relationships.  Every person in this world is bound to each other by our desire to love and be loved.  I, as much as I try and act like a hard ass, also wants to experience this. Actually experience it in its real form.  Do I know how to love?  More importantly, do I know how to accept love? 

I've done a lot of evaluating this week about people in my past, people in my present and the people from my past that continue to be a part of my life.  What I realized is that I don't have a lot of boundaries.  There are very few people that stay in one of those groups.  The lines blur.  I tend to allow people to stay in my life regardless of their actions towards me.  I have a hard time telling people "I'm done" and meaning it.

I believe my desire to love and to be loved is so strong that I believe these people at one point will fulfill me.  So I keep people in my life hoping that something will click and they will end up feeling about me the way I feel about them.

I have never believed in love at first sight.  I have never believed that there was a "prince" waiting somewhere for me. I never believed The One was out there waiting to complete feats of superhuman abilities to prove himself to me.  Maybe its because I don't believe in the traditional roles or maybe its because I was never really given any reason to believe that real love exists. Do I think I've dabbled in being in love? Absolutely.  I've given myself up to feeling it. So much so that at times I've felt let down by it. 

I grew up being told that I was the pretty one.  So, if this true, why wouldn't a man look at me and think that he wanted nothing more than to wake up to me everyday.  The problem with this is that growing up being told that- every time I felt rejected my confidence got shot down. I lost myself that much more. I never felt pretty.  I never felt like I had anything to offer someone.  I know that in order to have a solid relationship and experience love at its best, one has to be in love with themselves. I guess this is my attempt at that.  I am attempting to love effortlessly and deliberately with myself.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


#2... That's me.  I came second and I'm the last. 

In my quest to figure me out, I figured I'd do a little bit of research on birth order.  It seems weird, even to me but I have to be open to the hoopla if I want to be on a better path, right?

My first stop in Googletown gave me this:

Last Born Traits
  • Risk takers
  • Idealists
  • Good sense of humor
  • Hard working
  • Immature
  • Attention seeking
  • Secretive
  • Sensitive
Last born children are often considered the baby of the family, and live up to this role. At times it is difficult for the last born child to find his/her place in the family, as the first and middle child have already left huge footprints to follow in, and carved their own niche into the family.

WHEW!!! This stop fills me with a lot of excitement. I DO feel like I was always being compared, I HAVE ALWAYS felt like the black sheep of the family, I DO enjoy risk in one form or another, I DO enjoy finding humor in whatever situation I'm in, I DO NOT like people in my business therefore people tend to think I'm not being honest or transparent with them because I don't tell them everything.

So far, so good... I'm basking in the sunlight....

ALL ABOARD!!! The train through Googletown is now leaving!!!!

Stops 2 and 3 leave me speachless.

I hate being tested and this is exactly what stops 2 and 3 do. I'm stuck in question hell just hoping that I get the answers right.  You'd think that you'd get them right because you're answering questions about yourself.  I FAILED! Here I am basking in the ignorance of being the Second Born but stops 2 and 3 tell me that I actually exhibit First Born tendencies.  How does someone fail a test about themselves?  Stop 1 vindicated me in a way. It gave me the reassurance that I'm not a looney.  Now I'm stuck in what seems like the house on Haunted Hill, still trying to figure me out. 

I'm no closer to the starting line.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I should have packed a bag and stayed at stop 1 a little longer.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Can Someone Please Direct Me To The Starting Line?

I've started this a thousand times. Finding myself, I mean.  Not the blog.  I came to a realization about an hour ago which prompted me to start this little piece of nothingness.  HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE YOU CAME FROM?

My situation is nothing extraordinary.  I grew up with both parents, that always provided for us. A sister, with who I had the typical sibling rivalry with. Friends that I made plans to grow up and old with.  I had an amazing childhood. Or at least, I think I did.

The funny thing about reminicsing is that you actually have to have memories. I don't. Nothing. Nada. The earliest memory I have is from the age of 13. I mean, being able to remember and experience the memory as if I were there. Like it just happened yesterday. I rely on pictures.  I rely on my parents handiwork while I was a child. I look at pictures like these so I can have some idea that I actually existed before that day when I was 13.

So, here I am.  In a space that kinda feels like a black hole.  Maybe by having someone going along for the ride- I'll be able to figure this thing out. Me- it is what it is.

P.S. I'm not one to necessarily edit.  I have no problem naming names.  I have no problem using cuss words.  This may offend some people.  But I will say this, I'm being honest. At this point, this is all I can give anyone.