I'm trying. I really am. Sometimes, I just can't help but pray that she's smiling at me, glad that I finally FEEL happy.
We're exactly 7 days away from her being gone 4 months. I've finally hit the point where I pick up the phone to call her, only to quickly realize that I can't. About a month ago, I had a dream that I was flying through the sky over the desert of southern Utah, where she wants her ashes spread. This dream should have made me happy. Should have made me feel close to her. But ever since, I can't seem to get the images of my sick, skin-n-bones mom laying in hospital bed. And this is where I get angry. I feel like I should have done more for her. I should have been able to make her better. I.... have a lot of guilt for the parts I played in her getting sick.
When I moved back home, away from my family, my stability, I promised that I was going to make her proud. Slowly and very deliberately, I am doing that. There's a huge level of peace knowing that even though I can't talk to her, I can still "talk" to her. I beg her for help at work. I talk to her about my own, at times, frustrating relationship with my daughter, looking for guidance. I tell her I'm glad she gets to spend time with her family and dogs that she loved so much.
I've always believed that your loved ones are still with you after they're gone. At times over the last couple months, that belief has been tested. But.... in the end, I have an amazing family. We've had a trials over the years, lots of them, but we came together.
I miss my mom every minute of every day. I do not take the time I got to spend with her those last few months for granted. That time brought our family back together. And, even though she's not physically with us anymore, she.... is still the glue that holds us together.
I'm gonna face the challenges of life and kill this shit for her.