Friday, December 9, 2011

Take A Different Path... It's Cool- Don't Worry.

5 am... Usually I'd be frustrated but, coffee was already made thanks to the roomie, the pup is under the covers laying across my feet keeping them warm and best of all, it's quiet.

It's that time of year where I start reflecting on the last year.  What decisions I made, what I did and didn't do, who was effected, etc.  I have to say... I'm happy.

L's Journey was... well, if I'm being truthful, a way of dredging up the past.  Recently, I've been less involved with it than other projects because everytime I thought of something, I would immediately think that I didn't want to put myself through it.  Everyone knows the sayings- the quotes are all over the internet, you can't move forward if you're still living in the past.  And... I was.  It's time to move on.  It's time to accept that my life has been the way its been for a reason.  I accept the people in my life for who they are- not what they've done.  I accept that everyone has a past- so do I.  I accept the dynamics of my family- even though its hard.  I accept the job I have- not everyone is lucky enough to be employed.  I accept Me.  I'm not perfect but I've had some pretty perfect moments.

It's taken me a loooonnnnnnnggggg time to get to this place. Contentment.  I don't have much but what I do have is quality.  For now on, that is what I'll be focusing on. 

But... if you're ever in the mood (which you should be all the time) head over to The Sex Diet to see what raucous is ensuing!

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Cup... Is Attempting Spillage...

I've purposely taken some time from writing this blog and the others too, for that matter.  I needed to take some time to redefine what I believe my purpose to be, in writing and all aspects of Me.  Essentially, I needed to re-learn the skills to be grateful.  To have a cup that spillith over with gratitude.

The absence of writing in my life gave me a slap in the face.  At the most random times I will get hit with things that I feel like I need to write down.  But.... I forced myself not to during the last little while.  I don't know if I really had a good reason.  Maybe I felt like if writing was an actual skill of mine, I'd remember those things and write about them when I was ready.  Not a good reason, I know.  However, I was able to come to a conclusion...

My writing is for me.  Not for anyone else.  However, I do love that people enjoy it.  I have not and will not censor or fake my writing.  It is what it is.

While I don't always have the utmost confidence in what comes out, I will own up to it.  It makes me happy.  It's always there when I need it.  It's a reflection in the truest form.

AND.... Speaking of reflections... Head on over to The Sex Diet to read the latest on what happens to a person when they don't feed wants/needs correctly...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Oh Sweet Body Of Mine

I went to the gym twice today.  Neither time did I get out of the car. Why?  Because, there were people there.  I pulled into the parking lot, observed the amount of cars there and said to myself "I'll come back when nobody is here."

Oh Sweet Body Of Mine... It doesn't like to be around strangers or should I say... It doesn't like to worry about what other people are thinking. 

Hey!  At least I tried to go back.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I wonder....

Forty years ago today, my best friend was born.  She's is an amazing woman.  She has suffered so much in her life.  Yet, she is able to wake up everyday with a smile on her face.  She has inspired me to be less judgmental, to value my circumstance more and to be more confident.

So, I wonder... Does she know how amazing she is?  Hopefully, she does.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I do... I Really Do... Like Me, That Is.

Finally!  It isn't a lie.  I feel it.  I really really do!

I have to first shout out to Heather @ lifeofapasserie for challenging everyone to just do it. While it has taken quite a bit of time for me to come up with this list, she inspired me to get it done.  Amazingly, I really really really BELIEVE everything on this list.  Such a content feeling, THANK YOU Heather!

  • My tattoo's... Because I remember the experience of getting each and every one of them.
  • My hair... Because I can change it easily and it always grows back!
  • My brown eyes...
  • My vanity... I'm not vain but as I've gotten older I've started the realize the importance of feeling pretty for Me.
  • I always  have toenails painted...
  • My coffee addiction...
  • My funniness... I am AMAZINGLY funny
  • My love of feeding people...
  • My love of expressing feelings...
  • My love of "feeling" feelings...
Now... I need to figure out how to keep adding to this list.

Happy listing ya'll...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Like Sand Through The Hourglass... These Are The Days Of My Life

I haven't been very involved in this blog lately.  Which, if you think about the title and the reason that I started it in the first place, could only mean one thing... I haven't been very involved with my journey lately.

I've struggled with the direction that I'm going.  Not in life, well, that's not true at all.  Daily life is fine.  I'm getting through tasks, surviving.  But at the end of the day... I'm not feeling like I've had any real accomplishments.  Going through life in uncertainty doesn't make it easy to have genuine smiles. 

Now before I continue, I need to remind you what a pessimist I am!  Affirmations are silly, I've always felt that way.  But, over the last few days I've been trying to use affirmations as a way of getting through the day.  I'll laugh at myself and continue on with whatever task I'm working on.  I began to think that I need to write something upbeat and positive... A sort of SMACK IN DA FACE!

Today, a blogging friend, Heather @ lifeofapasserie posted exactly what I needed.  She is a self described natural beauty, and she writes beautifully too!  She so poignantly reminds everyone to simply... Like who you are.  Please read her post and link to her list.  Commit to being committed to You.

You wear your skin... Own It...  Love It.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Finding Beauty In The Past...

Sometimes we have to go right into the fire in order to find our true healing.” ~Jack Kornfield

Hence... The new tattoo.  I'm up to ten.  That's right, One-Zero. 

I have a list of things that I'd like to get but I wanted this one to really mean something.  Which is why its taken so long for me to get it.  I've been working on making Me better for a while now and I wanted to celebrate that. 

One of my all time favorite things is The Rose That Grew From Concrete by Tupac.  It's short, sweet and reminds me of Me.  In the midst of all the chaos in my life,  I continued to grow, and I did it without a major support system.

Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it
learned to walk with out having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping it's dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared.

So... Here it is.  My constant reminder to always walk with my head high.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Under Da Gun... Again!

Yours Truly is going under the gun again.  Can you hear it?  ZzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzZzzzzzzz! (Have you guessed yet that its a tattoo gun?)


Here's the conundrum:

I know what I'm getting essentially but I need a simple bird design to go along with it. And of course, I can't draw to save my life.  How is it possible for someone to paint but not draw? Anyhoo, that's neither here nor there.

I've got a couple days to figure it out... 3 days and counting.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Blah... Blah... Blah...

In the last 11 hours I have started not 1, not 2 but 14 different posts.  I ramble.  About stupid stuff at that.  I walked away from each post feeling defeated and illiterate.  Now, I'm just ambitious.  Ambitious for something new. 

I need to take this writing somewhere.  I need to do something else with it. 

If anyone has any ideas, PLEASE!!! I beg of you... let me know.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Is Back... And Counting What She's Worth...

I've been on a long and curvy road.  I've likened myself to a small sports car.  You know the ones... they're good at hugging curves.  Hugging curves is good as long as you're driving an actual sports car and going through those curves at 90 mph.  In my brain, it isn't good.  I don't want to hug curves.  While I want to feel feelings, I don't want to get stuck trying to navigate the curves.  The curves are slowing me down, both physically and mentally.

The last few weeks have taken a huge toll on me.  I can't tell you how many times I said "F You" and "You Suck" to myself over the last 3 weeks.  A week ago I found this awesome site,  In perusing the quote section I came across something that made my heart go pitter patter...

"As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it." -Eckhart Tolle

I've spent my entire life identifying with pain, either because I was hurt or because someone else's pain was being projected onto me.  Hurt was all I ever knew.  I internalized everything.  Whether it was my mess or someone else's.  Granted, I didn't make the best choices growing up.  A lot of the things that I've endured over the majority of my life were things that I could have prevented.  But instead of saying to myself that I was just a kid, I let it be exaggerated.  Kids of all ages make mistakes.  I need to keep that in perspective. 

All that said... I found my "creative" side once again.  I made a decision a week ago to be more "zen-like"... so, I painted.  Buddha.

I have a TONNNNNNNNN of things that are going to be added to this.  I just have to get my lazy behind in gear.  But before I do, I have something I need to do.  Write myself a letter.  You know the funny question of "What do you wish you could have told yourself 10 years ago?"  Well, I'm gonna write that letter, seal it up and hold onto it.  It might 10 years, it might be 50 years before I open it up but I'll open it one day.  Hopefully, when I do read it I'll appreciate the struggle I've gone through even more. 

"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves." -Dalai Lama

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Liar Liar Pants On Fire...

I don't hide well.  Although, I'm really good at "running." 

I've spent the last 7 months feeling like I've done such a good job "finding me."  A couple months ago, I had a craft moment.  I got in the car and when to Office Depot for... "Hello, My Name Is" stickers.  I wanted to give myself a confidence boost.  But what I essentially did was lie to myself. 

I took this picture as soon as I finished and then.... put the project on the floor in the corner of the bedroom.  Immediately I knew I wasn't being truthful.  I don't really feel any of those words.  I want to feel them.  I want to be that girl I wrote in words in that picture frame.  I mean... that's 36 lies.  Those little stickers are my reminder that I am not a very nice person.  Not to myself and not to others. 

Hello, my name is... Tells Tall Tales.

I genuninely care about the people in my life.  So much so, I never had the opportunity to get to know me.  When someone calls me selfish, I have nothing to say other than "Yes, I am."  I had to get selfish to get out of situations.  But, what I didn't do is stop using that situation as an excuse. 

I...I...I, honestly don't know.  I don't know who I am, what I'm about, what I stand for or what I'm willing or not willing to accept for my life. 

I suck... I suck... I suck.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Countdown Begins...

T-Minus 4 days...

This time every year sucks, for lack of a better word.  I get super emotional and start acting like...wait for it... A Girl!  Why you may be asking.  Because, it's time for yet another birthday.  I don't like my birthday.  Every year I say I'm not gonna celebrate, that it's not important.  To be completely honest, I'm not sure why I hate my birthday. 

Maybe it's because of the surprise party my parents planned for my 8th birthday.  Or maybe it was my 10th.  I don't know and frankly it doesn't matter what birthday it was.  I was completely caught off guard and I spent most of the party wondering why my parents thought to invite most of the girls.  They didn't like me AT ALL!  Why were they even there?

Or maybe it's because I spent most of my life "acting" older than I was.  In my brain I grew up fast.  Everyone I associate is older than me.  When people ask me how old I am and I tell them they just look at me funny.  No one believes me.  In my short life I've had a lot of experiences, good and bad.  I guess it just seems completely amazing to me that my life has experienced all that it has.  Sometimes I feel like I am an 80 year old person telling stories of my life... But, I'm not 80. 

Two days ago I had the opportunity of getting into a discussion with a stranger.  She was telling me that she is buying herself some new clothes for her birthday.  My response was "Happy Birthday" and then she said that her birthday isn't until Sunday.  I paused and then replied "WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY!"  Apparently, the universe really wanted me to talk to her.  She was telling me that she is going to be 71 and that she absolutely enjoys getting older, that she would never want to be my age again.  We chatted for a minute about what it means to be that age and actually enjoy life. 

I went into counting down to my birthday with the same frustration that I do every year.  Celebrations are draining, it.  But given the fact that I have experiences what I have and I'm still here and kickin', I'm gonna go ahead and give it the ol' college try.  I've agreed to a birthday celebration... I'm gonna put a smile on my face.  I'm gonna be happy about it.  I'm gonna... look forward to another year.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I don't have a good reason.  For being uninvolved with my creative side, that is.  I don't even know if I know why.  I can't count how many times I started to sit down to write and then just stared hopelessly at the screen.  The feeling of utter frustration takes over and I walk away.

When I originally started writing I had a specific purpose, to figure out why I don't remember much of my childhood.  I wanted to know why, what happened in my life that lead me to believe that memories weren't important.  The blog has turned into a lot more than that.  It's been my place to vent, be funny, cry, spread happiness and more than anything, communicate.  I wanted to write everyday. HAHAHA!!!!  I wanted it to go a specific way and of course it didn't.  I wanted.... to find serenity with the choas of my life.

I don't think I've done a very good job holding myself accountable.  While I don't think that I set my expections too high, I do believe that I probably should have forced myself to write, even on the offest of days.  If you know me, you know that my follow through sucks- BIG TIME.  My entire life has been a series of things that I get so so so excited to start and then at whatever point, I just stop.  Sometimes there's a reason, sometimes not.  I know this about myself.  I spent a good majority of my life being criticized by people for not following through. 

So... here we are.  Me in all of my "I Suck" glory saying... I'll do better.  I have to do better.  

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Just Do It...

Just call me... Tweedle Dee OR Tweedle Dumb, whichever you prefer.

It seems like I can't remember anything these days.  I have a huge list of things I want to get done, be it cleaning or some kind of house project BUT... I can't keep my wits long enough to finish anything..

However, today... I finished something.  The funny thing is, it wasn't even on my list.  The project just popped into my brain and I sat down and did it.  I'm feeling so accomplished right now... 

  I really wanted to start my 13 week challenge this week, but my forgetfullness is really getting in the way. I will be reporting shortly on my progress with that

Until Next Time...

Friday, April 22, 2011

I want more.

I need something fullfilling. Don't get me wrong... I love being a parent.  I love being a puppy and kitty parent.  I love the friendships I've created and nurtured. I love seeing what happens to the plants I've put in soil.  I love when I can feed people.  All this said... there's something missing.  

I don't really feel like anything I've done is really meaningful.  Maybe it's because there's been so much grief in my family.  Maybe it's because I've struggled for so long to have meaningful relationships with people, I don't recognize it when it's in front of me.  

 Maybe I'm thinking about it too much.  Maybe I'm putting more into it than I need to.  Maybe... I should just stick to simplicity.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Simplicity Of It All...

I love the sun.  Not just because it gives your skin a healthy glow.  Not because it provides you with just the right amount of vitamin D.  It's happy.  It comes up and says "Hey, look at me.  I'm happy.  I'm gonna help you be happy too."

I've tried really hard over the last few months to find a simpler way.  I've always made happiness an adventure that was nothing short of complicated.  There's always been a Catch 22 when I entered into a contract with happiness. What I've realized is that happiness doesn't require a contract.  Happiness is simple to obtain.  You just have to be willing to see it when it's standing in front of you.

In my desire to find the bright side of my failures, I've found forgiveness and care.  My failures have given me the ability to forgive, not just myself but others.  Challenges don't seem so challenging anymore.  Wrong-doings don't seem so wrong.  Words said in arguements don't seem so harsh.

All that said... I'm giving myself a huge challenge.  I'm entering this challenge knowing that I might want to quit.  It's not going to be easy.  But it will make me more aware of myself and others. My intention in this is that my soul will be awakened.  Intention is powerful. 

I. Will. Not. Quit.
I. Will. Not. Quit.
I. Will. Not. Quit.

Without further adieu...

He tested himself on these virtues:

  1. Temperance- "Eat not to dullness and drink not to elevation."
  2. Silence- "Speak but not what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation."
  3. Order- "Let all of your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time."
  4. Resolution- "Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve."
  5. Frugality- "Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself."
  6. Industry- "Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions."
  7. Sincerity- "Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and if you speak, speak accordingly."
  8. Justice- "Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
  9. Moderation- "Avoid extremes. Forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
  10. Cleanliness- "Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation."
  11. Chastity- "Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; Never to dullness, weakness  or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
  12. Tranquility- "Be not disturbed at trifles or at accidents common or unavoidable."
  13. Humility- "Imitate Jesus or Socrates."

I've been researching this challenge for a little over a month.  I think I delayed because I didn't want to hold myself accountable.  But... I'm ready.  I think.  It doesn't matter.  I'm done wasting time.  Even though Mr. Franklin tracked his progress daily, my plan is to track my progress weekly. Each week, I will focus (and I mean, REALLY FOCUS) on one topic.  I might not follow the order, but I will hit each one.  Not only will I hold myself accountable but I'll have all of you to keep me in line. 

My hope is this... In my desire to maintain simple and authentic living, I might be able to help another find simple and authentic living.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I've been STUPID lately.

I get so frustrated that I lose sight.  I love my family, even the one's I haven't spoken to.  My heart doesn't ignore that it has a connection to people.  Lack of communication doesn't mean that I don't wonder about them all the time.  I don't want to rant and rave.  I don't want... to be that girl.  The one that walks around all day with a sad face.  It causes wrinkles.

Things in my family didn't go wrong overnight, I really need to remember that.  It's going to take more than a conversation or two to get everyone on track.  Actually, it's going to take willingness to have more than a conversation or two.  I think that's the keyword here... willingness.  There needs to be a desire for people to sit down and actually hear what each other are saying. 

I can't force others to talk to me.  I can't force myself to not have the desire to talk.  All I can do is maintain my willingness for when they're ready. 

It's time to go enjoy the sun... I hope everyone has a fantastic day.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I should be thankful.  I should feel some level of gratitude.  I should be satisfied.
F.... THAT...

This is bullshit.  I don't have any reason to be grateful for nonsense.  That's exactly what it is. Nonsense.  Any person with any level of common sense would agree.

I hate feeling this way.  I don't like ranting.  That's the old me.  I was good at playing the victim role.  I don't expect to be happy-go-lucky all the time.  What I do expect is that I figure out how to make the best of it.  For whatever reason, I can't.  I don't want to be the old me. 

My brain is telling me to smile... My heart, well... It wants the stress of my "other" issue to go away so that I can smile.  My heart is seriously broken right now and it's having a huge impact on my daily life.  Last night, I read through every last one of my blogs.  Yes, it was a task.  I came to a huge realization- THERE ARE SEVERAL TOPICS I AVOID DISCUSSING.  You'd think that I'd avoid talking about my family because I was specifically asked to- but nope.  What's the point about putting your life out in the open if you really aren't gonna be open?  Funny thing is... I wouldn't even know where to begin without offending people.  Myself included. 

To make matters worse, my insomnia has kicked back in.  Hey... At least we got comfy new couches.  Oh and my painting skills decided to make another appearance this morning.  Maybe I'll paint the night away.

Friday, April 8, 2011

~~~Deal with the faults of others as gently as you deal with your own. Under everyone's hard-shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.~~~

I told her I wouldn't write about her.  She's going to be upset.  I just can't help it.  I'm upset and I have no other outlet.  There isn't anyone I can talk to.  Even if I did have someone to talk to, she would get mad at me and automatically assume that I'm talking shit.

This week has been hard. Denise passing has reminded me that I've never done a very good job maintaining relationships.  I can't even talk to my mother.  There is so much resentment on both sides that neither of us are seeing the big picture.  When it comes to my family, I live in a fog.  I go through the motions knowing there's sunshine on the otherside of that fog but I can't get through it.  Some days it's whispy fog but some days, I can't see my hand in front of my face. 

I've tried on many occasions to pin point where our relationship went wrong.  The only thing that I can come up with is, and I say this as the adult that I am now, we are too much alike.  Not only do we have a lot of the same personality traits, we've struggled with depression.  We just dealt with it differently, I think that caused a huge rift.  I chose to be vocal or rebel or whatever and she didn't want to have any part of it.  She could never understand why.  I could never understand why she just couldn't be honest about it.

Last night, we got into yet another argument about my life.  She was upset with me for referring to Denise as a second mother.  See, she believes that the reason I smoked cigarettes or drank was because Denise gave it to me.  None of which is true.  Because of my issues with depression, I have an addictive personality.  Doesn't really matter if what I'm doing or feeling is good for me, I get addicted to the feeling.  Hence, me drinking as a teenager and continuing, my series of abusive relationships, etc.  There's a lot of factors that go into me drinking, all of which she should understand, but she doesn't. All those "things" I did... are petty.  There's a bigger problem but instead of figuring out what it is... she just yells at me for the same things over and over and over.  I've been hearing the same things from her for over 10 years.  But heaven forbid... I can't say anything to her.  If I try and apologize for the upteenth time, she tells me I'm narcissistic and selfish.  I can't bring up the cycle of alcoholism in the family because it brings up her childhood.  I feel for my mother and what she endured... in a way, the two of us dealt with the same things.  I just dealt with it in men and not family. 

 Instead of having a civil conversation with her about events that effected the family, she yells at me and tells me all of the things I've done to screw up.  I know I made bad decisions.  I know I wasn't the best daughter.  I refused hugs from her growing up.  I refused to talk to her when I had bad thoughts running through my brain, all the while telling her that I was fine.  I forced growing up because in my manic brain all I could do is rely on me- NO ONE and I mean NO ONE, had any idea what I was thinking.  But that makes me think.. all the times I did try and talk to her... her response is that I was being selfish. 

Most days I lay awake encased in a dream that we can smile at each other and mean it.  Most days, I'm hopeful that we will like each other again.  My family lives in a merry-go-round...  A cycle...
Drinking... Fights...Not caring about each other's feelings... Disowning people...
This isn't a new cycle... This didn't start with me and her.  But at what point do we say enough is enough?

Honesty is a fickle thing...  You can give and give and give to someone but sometimes, it's not enough.  Sometimes... the only thing you can do is be honest with yourself.

I've edited the shit out of this post...  I told her I wouldn't write about her.  But I think she should take it as a compliment.  I love my mother.  I've spent this entire week hoping that my mother doesn't pass away.  I've spent this entire week being forced to realize that my mother isn't going to be here forever.  I don't want to be that girl that walks into her mother's funeral, not having spoken to her in years. 

 I've succomb to the fact that me and my dad just don't talk, that's nothing new.  But my mom?  My mom of all people should have a little understanding. 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I didn't sleep for shit last night.  The sleep I did get involved a very vivid dream that included a very physical fight between me and my boss.

My eyes popped open and I immediately went into a very physical anxiety attack.  My entire body was shaking, even my eyeballs.  I couldn't sit, stand, lay down, walk or talk.  I had to go to work like this. It was a VERY long day.

But now... I know why.

I recieved information that a woman I considered a second mother growing up, passed away early this morning.  I've been thinking a lot about these people lately and was even going to send her daughter, my best friend for over 20 years, a message a couple days ago.  I haven't spoken to these people for a long time... Growing Up Angst at its best. 

This woman was humorous, blunt, angry and cheerful all at the same time.  She was the kind of woman that you either really liked her or you really hated her.  She told you how it was.  That was something I always admired about her.  I can't count the times that we would laugh about how "honest" she was.  She definitely took her role as "Puerto Rican New Yorker" to heart. 

Rest In Peace Mrs. Denise Vera... I know you're holding on tight to Justin right now.  Both of you are greatly missed.


Saturday, April 2, 2011

I'm sitting here, feeling.  That's it just "feeling."  I'm not quite sure how to label the things that are swirling around in my head.  I watched Coming Home on Lifetime, I think that has a lot to do with it. It's a show about family.


How can this face not make you happy?

This is Flip.  We adopted him a couple days ago.  He is an 8 month old MinPin, originally named Red, and he's absolutely perfect.  I love the smells and whimpers from puppies.  My roommate and I have been toying with the idea of getting a puppy for a couple months.  This week I noticed all of the postings from the shelters that they were putting down on average 200 animals a day.  Of course this made me sad but I couldn't keep from looking at the postings.  Red's post came up (Flip) and I immediately fell in love.  We immediately got dressed and went to meet him.  They took us into the "meeting room" and brought him in.  He ran across the room and jumped on me, licked me and ran off across the room as if he was performing.  We were the first to look at him, but he knew what he had to do.  We knew within the first few minutes that we'd be taking him home.  He has been absolutely perfect.  He has a playful personality, but loves to cuddle.  He loves going to bed at night so he can get under the covers too.  Oh and loves loves loves cat toys.  I think its because he's got a small mouth. 

Everytime I look at his face... my frustration goes bye-bye...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Even the sanest people have moments of insanity. 

I have them all the time.  I'm flawed. Cracked.  At one time, I was completely broken.  I was, in short, Humpty Dumpty.  I fell off the wall several times. 

Nobody is perfect.  I've never claimed to be.  If anything, I'm really good at being able to remind people how screwed up I am.  I take comfort in all of my insanity.  My insanity is... my comfort blanket.  It's all I have.  I get to feel the twists and turns of emotions.  When I'm sad it's hard to get out of bed.  When I'm happy, I'm the sun itself. 

I guess it's time for an admission... I'm Manic-Depressive.


 I don't like being labeled.  I don't like people recognizing my mood swings.  Although, I do like to be acknowledged.  I've spent my life stuggling to have an understanding of Me.  I started writing because I don't have childhood memories.  I was looking to have something jar my brain.  I found something completely different.  I found Me, present tense.  I'm not a perfect person.  I can not fix things that may or may not have happened as a child or teenager.  All I can do at this point in my life is embrace my insane moments (like yesterday when I was super upset). 

I don't want to change things.  At times, I would love if certain things were different.  But, change?  I've decided that's a big no-no.  I've learned a lot and that I do not take that for granted. 

I'm moving into a BIG life... sanity or no sanity at all, I'm going to accomplish amazing things.  Who's jumping on the ride with me?

Monday, March 28, 2011



Literal but NOT truthful

This has been bothering me for days.  Is this what people really think about me? 

I will say this... I am a fan of invention and reinvention.  I like to think that I'm adaptable, a chameleon.  I like to think that I've learned enough lessons in my lifetime that allow me to realize the importance of my soul and my purpose.  It's important to be somewhat selfish.  How are you suppose to take care of You if you aren't? I had to be narcissistic to get out of that relationship.  I had to find my WORTH.  I had to find power to believe that I deserved more than what I'd accepted in that relationship.  My decision to be in that relationship didn't effect only me, but in order for me to make everyone's lives better, I had to GET selfish.  I had to put everything I had into me.  It doesn't matter how much you tell someone or how you tell them, people will never understand what being involved in abusive relationship entails unless they have personally dealt with it.  I had no choice but to get selfish.  The amazing thing to me is this...  the end result of that relationship was not a selfish one.  I'd grown up by the end of it.  I made an adult decision.  I am a better person for it.

Writing this, all I can think is... My life is like a bad Lifetime-Made-For-TV movie.  Actually, Lifetime turned the book Reviving Ophelia into a movie.  I remember watching Lifetime with my roommate a couple months ago.  The advertisement for the movie came on, my response, " I refuse to watch that."  And of course she set a reminder for it to record.  I was rebellious.  I tested boundaries.  I was the girl that was happy being the outcast.  My parents... were sad.  Disappointed.  They signed up for a class given at my high school on how to relate to teenagers and get them through the "troubling" years.  This angered me and I rebelled more.  My parents bought this book.  I don't know if they realized that I knew they had it.  I don't think they were trying to hide it.  I never fully read it, but I glanced at sections.  The problem is, by the time they bought the book, I was too far gone.  At least, that's what I think they thought of me.  I wasn't a virgin for some time.  I was already involved in a relationship that was showing signs of abuse.  I had friends that didn't exhibit the best behavior.  All I wanted my parents to do, as any other rebellious teen, was wash their hands of me, and they did.  At least that's what they said.  They threw their hands up and said "I'm done." 

Physically, they were there.  They didn't go anywhere.  There was always a continued relationship on both sides.  Was it a whole relationship?  Nope, not at all.  There's fault on both sides.  I remained upset with my parents for things and they remained upset with me.  We've maintained a relationship based on obligation all these years. Real conversations are strained, if they even happen.  They want me to own up to things and I want them to own up to things. Maybe that sounds harsh, but at this point, that's Truthfully and Authentically how I feel.  I feel like I've tried.  I feel like I made attempts to have relationships be better but when I try I'm told that it's fake.  I don't have it in me, regardless of the situation, to take all of the responsibility.  I can't.  If I do, I feel like I'd be reverting back to the me I was in all those abusive relationships. 

I'm probably going to get into even more trouble for writing this.  Am I prepared for the consequence? Yes.  Everything you do in life has a consequence.  Whether the consequence ends up being a good one or a bad one, is completely up to you.  Do I want things to be different? Of course.  I wish I would have come to all of these realizations years ago so that the lives of my children wouldn't be hurt.

You decide how things effect your life.  I have gone over my life, time and time again, I made decisions that put me where I am today.  I know... I know that I have to take responsibility, and I am.  I can't force things.  All I can do is, simply... Be me, deliberately and authentically.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It's time to JUMP OFF the roller coaster... It's not fun anymore

I woke up refreshed.  Well, maybe not completely.  As Jani would say "Everytime you wake up, you have big lips. As in you look like you're pouting."  The sun was out, bright eyed and bushy tailed.  It made me happy.  It made me want to continue our work on the patio.  So, we went to the nursery... and then to Lowe's... and then to K-Mart.  It was a busy morning.  A productive morning. We didn't get a lot, but enough to start.  Lavendar, a mix of spices, brussel sprouts, radishes, okra and couple different bird feeders. 

After taking care of some other business, I came home to relax and wait for Jani to get off work to plant.  But instead of relaxing, I recieved a swift kick in my ass.  Not a physical kick.  An emotional kick.  It sounds cliche' but... It really doesn't matter how close people may be to you, you never know what people are going through.  Honestly, I do my best.  How can I possibly be "truthful" or "transparent" but be told that I'm "not really living authentically" when I've tried to have truthful conversations and the other person wouldn't listen?  My lesson here is this... Making assumptions will get you in trouble.  Tread lightly.  Just because you think things are in one place, doesn't mean the other person will agree with you.  Continue your path... AUTHENTICALLY continue your path.

Anyhoo... in a bout of frustration in my inability to stay calm and tear free, I decided to start the planting without my dear friend.  I'm glad I didn't wait.

I made a HUGE mess... (this isn't all of it!)

I love herbs... Hopefully I won't lose the markers!

My new lonely lavendar plant... It needs friends


Brussel Sprouts... I can't wait for these!!!!

Okra... Here comes some GUMBO!!!!

Planting these things made me relax a ton.  I can't wait for these things to start producing. I've decided that my life is a lot like these veggies... Even though it's taken a little while, I will "bloom,"  I will start producing.  It sucks that people aren't gonna be there to savor what comes out of it.  It sure will be delicious.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

It's Up!!!!!

I really hope I don't get fat!!!!!!!!
As if I'm not already spread too thin... But I'm so looking forward to it.

Tonight I'm going to start my new project... a food blog.  I know what you're saying, "Oh, that's a fantastic idea.  There isn't anything like that already!"  I'm not going to say mine is going to be different or special.  Honestly, I don't or haven't, I should say, read food blogs.  I love cooking.  I don't necessarily love reading about it.  I love recipes, but I don't love having to go to the internet oblivion for them.  I like recipes that have been handed down.  The one's that are in my grandmother's handwriting on pieces of paper that are falling apart.  I'm the kind of girl that walks into the kitchen and finds something to make with a jar of peanut butter, frozen peas and crackers.  Don't worry, I've never actually used those ingredients together.  I'm just saying that I love love love the feeling I have when I've put a meal together that actually tastes good.

I guess you could say... I eat on a budget.  I feed people on a budget.  So, that's what this project is going to be about... Eating Deliciously For Next To Nothing.

As soon as I have it completely up and running, I'll let everyone know...  I hope you're as excited as me. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Spring is in the air... The birds are chirping... And me, well... I have to keep reminding myself that I should be happy.

I do this.  I do really good for a while and then I hit a slump that is oh so hard to get out of.  My life is good right now.  I have amazing friends, relationships with family members (while not super good) are getting better, a stable job and insomnia that I've decided to just succomb to.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't lay in bed all day with sadness.  I get up, go to work, clean the house, cook.  I get up and take care of business.  But in whatever my day consists of, I find myself feeling somewhat spiteful.  Not towards others.  I hate myself.  I hate what I've done to my life. 

I'm fully aware of how far I've come.  I made a conscious effort a while ago to do things different, to be different.  I had to make a concerted effort to get out of the comfort zone I'd created in drama.  I love love love the quiet space my life is in.  See... There's this girl that I met through a friend, we also work together.  She reminds me of Me 15 years ago.  The thing that sucks for her is that she's a couple years older than me.  I keep her at arm's length.  I don't like being around her because trouble follows in one form or another.  Everytime I'm around her, I'm reminded of how freaking stupid I've been most of my life.  She came into my life for a reason... To show me how life-illiterate I've been.

I KNOW I'm not lost... I'm floating around somewhere... Floating can be fun... But at some point, I'd like to have my feet planted in something. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

I'm looking for something.  I think I lost it a long long long long long long long time ago.  Back in the childhood years, cause I don't remember really ever having it.

Talent.  The feeling that I'm nothing but awesome at something.  Don't get me wrong.  I know I'm GOOD at a lot of things.  But I don't have the feeling when I'm done that I did such a good job that I want to continue it.  This feeling includes most aspects of my life.  Including my parenting skills.  So, I guess you could say... I usually end up always screwing up because I don't have confidence in myself to complete the task.

Something happened.  Something was said.  Something has prevented me from feeling a genuine sense of accomplishment my entire life.  I don't know what it is, but I want it back. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Everyone loves hindsight, right?  I mean... You have to love something that is clear as day and gives you perfect clarity.

I'm not in love with my parenting skills.  But, I am in love with her smile.  What I wouldn't give now to go back and just put up with the crap a little bit longer.  Everything would be different now.  I would have my family together.  She would have everything she needs and wants.  And I... well, I would be able to see that smile everyday. 

I have a lot of work to do.  

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sometimes... The truth hurts.

Sometimes... Giving the truth to those you love hurts worse than the person receiving it.

Wish me luck- this should be interesting.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Your's Truly is in a slump.  Maybe its because I've been sick for the last few days.  My physical body is breaking my mental and emotional health.  Seriously breaking it.

There are so many things that I want to accomplish.  I want to feel like I'm good at something.  Talented.  Amazing.  Just one thing... I just want one thing.  Something to focus my attention.  Something that is just second nature, that I don't have to work that hard for. Something that when I'm done, I can sincerely say was not hard to do.

Life is not easy.  In order to accomplish things, you have to work for it.  I already know that.  It's been drilled into my brain.  I understand the fundamentals.  I understand the reasons why.  But at some point, when I've yet to reap the benefits, it's hard for me to desire continuing the process.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What doesn't kill you...

I screwed up. Majorly. Just because you've never been caught doesn't make it okay.  It will catch up to you.

In all honesty, I'm glad it happened.  It gave me a chance to further look at myself.  How I perceive things, my actions, how I speak to people and how others view me.  I don't necesarily mind people's viewpoints about me, but I'd like to think that when people look at me, they see a good person.

While I didn't enjoy this experience, I had something amazing happen.  I've never been a religious person.  I've gone to church with friends in the past.  But I've always kind of felt indifferent to church, religion, praying etc.  I had the opportunity to be involved in a group prayer a couple days ago.  In the middle of it, I just started to cry.  I mean CRY!  I was so moved by the feeling of being in the midst of this group where there was true feeling being thrown into the universe. 

I've always known that you don't have to be religious to pray.  I've always known that you don't have to necessarily be praying to a certain thing but something always stopped me from doing it.  My perception about prayer has changed.  Prayer is a happy thing.  Somewhere out there, the universe will recognize what you need and give it to you.  It may take a while to reap the benefits, but it's worth it.

Everyone is allowed the pleasure of prayer.  Just do it...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My hand is burnt and blistered.  I pulled one or several muscles in my back.  My thigh muscles are on fire from dancing 2 days ago. My feet are throbing from being on them all day.  All of my fingernails are chipped or broken. 

All that said...  I'm thankful for everything that is happening in my life.  I love the moments where I can say that I'm honestly happy with me.  Pure contentment.  Utter dismay at how much change I see in myself.  When someone asks me how I'm doing I say "Absolutely Wonderful, no complaints here."  The old me would just start listing off the bullshit.

I'm a happy camper these days.  There's a lot in my life that I need to make right.  But things happen in time, and time is definitely on my side. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

6 Days Down....

It's officially been 6 days since I've had any communication with Stan.  We didn't get in a fight.  We didn't have a grown up conversation and decide that we needed to not talk.  But it's been 6 days with nothing.

I feel like I've grown up a lot recently.  I notice the changes.  I talk differently.  I walk with my head high.  I laugh, a lot.  I literally feel like I'm 16 again, but more grown up.  More... Appropriate. 

The old me would be upset.  The old me would automatically feel like I did something wrong.  The new me is still a little upset but, I'm not jumping to any conclusions about the lack of contact.  The new me realizes where the relationship is and isn't going to go.  The new me still loves and cares about him.  The new me still wonders about him everyday.  The new me realizes he has his own life.  The new me realizes I have the greatest feeling of love from him without actually having him in my life. 

I really do like the new me.  The new me is continuing the feeling of love without expectation of receiving it back from him.  I whole-heartedly believe that is the greatest gift anyone can receive... The ability to love without consequence or expectation.  It truly is amazing.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Uh Oh!  I think I may have figured it out.  Maybe not completely, I've yet to find out.  But I'm willing to continue the process...

In conversation with someone recently I made a statement about their situation not realizing the impact the words had on my life.  A while back I wrote about a conversation I had with "Stan" about sacrifice and why it is so hard for people to do it.  The conclusion that I've come to is... It isn't that hard, people really do sacrifice when they're connection to the end result is full of strength.

sac·ri·fice[sak-ruh-fahys] noun, verb, -ficed, -fic·ing.

the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
"I sacrificed my happiness and what my life could have been like for the possibility of something that would probably never happen."- LC
This is what I said to my friend.  I "sacrificed" things, people, situations, feelings and experiences for the possibility of love with "Stan."  Why?  Because I honestly thought that if I did whatever I had to do to make him happy enough to reciprocate feelings, we'd end up together.  Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't stop my life for him.  I had relationships with boys outside of him, I had children outside my relationship with him, yet, I always pined for him.  I wished for the relationship with him so badly that I essentially "sacrificed" a wonderful life. 
Who's to say what my life would have been like for the last 12 years whether or not he was around... But I do know this, I never opened up to an available man because I was holding out for him.  There's a certain comfort that happens when you know that no matter how you act or what you say, that person will still be there. 
While I enjoy comfort as much as the next person, I've cause myself more problems.  The comfort you experience needs to come from knowing that you haven't "sacrificed" yourself.  The person that you "spend the rest of your life" with needs to be someone that you don't have to let go of every fiber of yourself for. 
I will continue to make sacrifices... As long as those sacrifices give me strength and NEVER at the cost of losing who I am.
Here's to continuing Heart Healthy status... Cheers! (lifts glass... clink clink)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! How I've missed you, bliggity blog.  I'm sorry you feel neglected but just wait until you hear what the h-e-double hockey sticks been going down!

I finished the back log of laundry, spring cleaned the kitchen and bathroom (neither of which was as disgusting as I thought it would be), met a boy (yes, he's quite a bit younger than me but hey, he's trainable!), rekindled a friendship with another boy, and started a new job.

It's so hard for me not to have communication with you.  There's so many things I want to talk about but now they all seem so trivial.  I want so badly to write it all out.  I want so badly to well...  have a certain person to talk to right now.  Oh dear blog... Its because of you that I've been able to work so many things out.  You've given me exactly what I needed when I needed to get things off my chest.  It's because of you that I've been able to experience the things that I have recently.  It's because of you that, well... I was able to be the person I have for the last couple days and have the interactions that I've had.  It's also because of you that I finally realized what it is that I expect out of my relationships and friendships.  Even though there is somebody that I really want to talk to right now other than you... I just can't bring myself to talk to him, not right now.

It's because of you sweet blog of mine... I think that our conversation about SACRIFICE has been figured out.

Until tomorrow precious blog...

Friday, February 4, 2011

To all of those people in my life that said I could never be happy.... Na Na Na Na Boo Boo!

I woke up this morning and realized I am.  I'm in such a good place right now.  I've spent so much time recently with just me.  I've had the opportunity to just be, with only my thoughts and its been awesome.

I am going to continue to enjoy the little things... because one day I'm gonna look back and realize that they were actually big things.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Shake Shake Shake.... Shake Shake Shake

I really wanted to write today since I haven't for a couple days.  While running errands this morning, I let my mind wander in things that I wanted to talk about.  But, as much as I want to write, I can't.  My brain is running a hundred miles a minute with the empending doctors appointment tomorrow.  All I can do right now is... dance like no one is watching.

Shake Shake Shake.... Shake Shake Shake.... Shake your bootay...

Saturday, January 29, 2011

There's a scene in the movie Little Miss Sunshine where Frank and Dwayne are discussing happiness.  Sadness, actually.  Dwayne in the normal teenage mind wants to just sleep life away and skip high school.  Frank's response is this:  Why?  Why would you want to miss all that suffering?  It's the moments you spend in sadness and loneliness that define your character.  When you're happy, you don't really get a chance to learn anything. 

While I agree with that, I have to wonder why some people have the inate ability to grow out of that sadness and others don't.  Like I said in my first blog, I had an ordinary family.  Both parents, sister, friends.  I had friends growing up that showed signs of depression just like me.  The difference is this, (warning... if you're a family member reading this- I can not be responsible for your reaction) life really got in the way of my family being supportive of each other.  Being the youngest (see my 2nd blog) I believe that I got the raw end of the deal.  I'm am not in any way shape or form saying that my parents didn't love me, I know they do.  Growing up, I always thought my parents wanted me to be just like my sister, looking back- I whole-heartedly believe they were just trying to give me the same opportunities as her.  Life got in the way of us believing in each other.  Life got in the way of the people in my family believing that it's important to care about each other regardless of the path they choose (the differences of paths in regards to my family will be discussed in another blog.)

Each family has a "black sheep." Thats me.  I'm the one that fucks up.  I'm the one that for whatever reason continues to disappoint.  I use to joke about this.  And up until I started the process of trying to figure me out a couple months ago- I actually took pride in this.  But now... I'm tired.  It's hard to get on the phone with your mother and know that the conversation will never be longer than 3 minutes unless an arguement ensues.  Its hard to know that family functions don't happen anymore because you haven't spoken to your sister in 3 years.  It's hard to know that I can't be an aunt anymore, especially knowing that there's a niece I've never met.  The funny thing is... I've never been in jail, I've never hurt anyone physically, I've never... Wait, I'll rephrase this sentence... I have made mistakes.  I know that I emotionally hurt my parents.  I didn't always follow their advise.  I hung out with the wrong people.  And, I will admit that I had a breakdown being a single parent and because of that, I wasn't the only one that suffered.  I have a lot of making up to do for that. 

There isn't any faith left.  I've owned up to my mistakes. I've reached out to rebuild relationships with no response.  Other people may not see it that way.  But that is one of the joys of life.  People are entitled to their own perception.  Until everyone has a desire for change, it won't happen.  So, my new challenge is this... find strength.  Find the strength to continue life making relationships with people that could be considered family.

Friday, January 28, 2011


I'm completely confused...  do I learn to bite my tongue in order to keep secrets at bay?  Or do I say what needs to be said so that I know I got it off my chest?  Do I keep someone happy that I haven't spoken to in years?  Or do I attempt complete transparency even if it means risking the remaining strained relationships?

Sometimes I wish I could just be a cabbage patch kid with one of those nifty names... at least I'd have good hair and a cute outfit...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Two Peas In A Pod....

I've always thought of myself as a tough girl.  I've always thought of myself as someone that can handle anything.  Not the case.  Sometimes, I lie to myself.  Apparently, I lie to myself A LOT!  It's easier to lie to myself than to do the hard work and decide that its okay to have emotional roller coasters sometimes.

Yesterday was one of "those" days.  One of the days that I had to lie about what I'm really feeling.  I had to make jokes about it just to get through the drive home.  Yesterday was a busy day for the females in this house.  Not only did Janis have to go in for her surgery follow up appointment, but Lady had to be dropped off at the vet yesterday to get fixed.  It was confirmed when I got there that she was preggo and they needed to do a complete hysterectomy.  I also ended up at the doctor because of the issues I've been having lately.  I sat through quite a long ultrasound.  I sat a stared at the screen showing my uterus in complete silence.  At one point the ultrasound tech turned around, looked at me, put her hand on my arm and said "I hope you have other living children.  There is something funny going on here."  I had no choice but to just ignore her at that point.  She finished, I got dressed and on my way out of the exam room I asked her what was going on.  The only thing she could say is that the "doctors need to put their heads together.  Something isn't right."

I know I've been making jokes and statements since losing Luca that I don't want to have anymore children, but I don't like being told that I might not ever have the option.  I made those statements under the pretense that I was in control of that decision.  To have it taken away for whatever reason the doctors can't explain at this point, is nothing short of disheartening.  There is nothing worse than feeling like you have no control over your body and decision making process. 

So, today Lady and I are sitting on the couch in pain.  She refuses to move from her crouching position and I refuse to move because at least I have solidarity with someone.  Even if it is one of the cats.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A while back I attempted a book project with someone I considered a very good friend.  Our friendship fizzled out because well, if I'm being completely honest, I allowed some things to happen.  I didn't think highly enough of myself at the time to stop it from happening.

Over the last couple days I've thought a lot about that book.  My gut has been telling me to go ahead with it.  That, in order for me to feel good about myself in the way of accomplishing things, I need to write that book.  However, its made me think a lot about her.  This is a person I confided a lot of things in, we spent upteen amounts of time together.  I loved her, she was essentially, my sister.  Last night, I forced myself to go to bed because my brain kept telling me to send her an email.  My heart was saying no.  So, I forced myself to go to bed so I didn't do something I would end up regretting.

I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again... Life has a funny way of reminding you that you don't have as much control as you like to think you do.  Or maybe it just boils down to, I thought about it so much- I willed it to happen.  A couple hours ago, I received a message from her.  While we have yet to discuss the book issue, we have been able to have an honest conversation about what happened to our relationship.  I can't say that our friendship is mendable but I will say this, its nice to know that you've been able to say whats in your heart.  Your heart takes on a lot of roles.  Not only does it have to physically keep you going, it has to control your emotional health.  If even a little piece of it is broken, you can never be a complete person.

My hope is that everyone in my life knows that I am heart healthy.  I also hope they know that I want them to be heart healthy.  There's a magnificent spark that goes off in your body when you know that your heart feels every bit as happy as your brain.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

So.... last night I threw a temper tantrum.  I didn't fall asleep until 5:50 am this morning because I couldn't stop thinking about what I wrote.  Of course, I didn't sleep long and when I got up and walked out to the living room I feel utterly disappointed in myself.  I completely get that everyone is allowed moments of difficulty- it's what you do with the moment that defines your character. 

I spent a lot of time today trying to come up with some reasoning to why I've always given me up in relationships.  It isn't something I believe is an easy answer.  What I do know is this- I didn't just do this in relationships, it also happened with friendships.  I've never been the type of person to have many friendships- especially with women.  However, the one's I did have were never good.  There was always some underlying issue and when I felt like I needed to voice my opinion, the friendship ended. 

I don't say any of this without recognizing that I have faults to own up to.  Man, Oh, Man... Do I have faults!  But in owning up to what I've done and said, I realize that I can only take responsibility for me.  In the past, I would have taken responsibility for the entire situation- not just my part.

All this said... I'm giving myself a challenge.  Well, a couple actually. 

Challenge #1-  Realize the importance of female interaction.  Be proud of my femininity.  Find a group of amazing women that want nothing more than to build real friendships that empower and inspire each other.

Challenge #2-  Stop giving up things that make me calm because of a new relationship.  I have not painted in almost a year because of my last relationship.  Because of him, I guess you could say I lost my inspiration.  I need to challenge myself to put brush to canvas at least once a week.  Regardless of what is happening.

Challenge #3-  Be okay with the bad moments.  Everyone is entitled to have moments of desperation.  This doesn't mean that you aren't happy.  It means that you are finally comfortable enough with yourself to realize that you need to honor and really experience every feeling you have.

I'm going to continue to take advantage of being me.  I might be ridiculous sometimes, but... at least I'm being authentically me. 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I'm continually amazed at the utter lack of understanding I have about myself.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  I have amazing moments of clarity.  I have horrible moments of clarity.  My brain tells me that I should be grateful for every thought, that each is an opportunity to be a better me.  My heart tells me that sometimes its just too hard.

There is an understood thought that one must look inside themselves, to do what truly makes them happy, to be truthful to themselves.  Living authentically is... well, its difficult when all you've ever known is living for others.  This was my horrible moment of clarity today.  I've lived my entire life living for others.  Not even the right people.  People who took without gratitude.  People who without notice or warning, would make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I've never thought enough about myself to see what these people were doing was wrong.  But even now that I'm aware that how they treated me was wrong, now that I have clarity, I still don't feel right. 

You would think that because I've done an amazing job getting these people out of my life and building relationships with people that really do have my best interest at heart, I'd feel like a whole person.  I don't.  I feel absolutely hopeless.  Anxious.  Frazzled.  I feel, at times, absolute discontent.  Lonely. 

Most people who are getting out of bad relationships are faced with the task of getting back the pieces of themselves that they lost because of the relationship.  My task is harder than that.  I've been forced to figure out who I am from the beginning.  I look in the mirror and have daily reminders of how little I thought of myself.  I have to style my hair in certain ways because it was pulled out so many times that it won't grow back in certain places, I have skin issues because out of being nervous all the time, I picked at my skin.  These are things that would be considered only "skin deep" by some, but they are more than that.  They are my daily reminder that I didn't even give myself a chance to figure me out before getting involved in relationships that forced me to only believe in the other person.

I don't like to think of myself as a troubled person.  I don't like to think of myself as a lost cause.  I don't like to think of myself as a person that is nothing without someone else.  The problem is this:  I have never, in my life, been anything unless I was standing next to someone else.  Its hard to stand alone, especially when you don't have anything to stand for. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Buck Up Buttercup...

And here it goes...  Ugh!

There will be more to come on this subject.  All I have to say at this point is this:  Doctors must be trained in some special way to give you bad knews without actually giving it to just so you can spend the next two weeks waiting for the next round of getting bad news without really getting it.  At what point am I going to be told just what the hell is happening. 

I don't feel anywhere near emotionally capable of being on this roller coaster.  I feel like tp'ing and egging my doctors house right now.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Up, Up And Beyond...

Pride- noun. A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

Pride can take a lot of forms.  It can be noun, adjective, verb.  It's a happy word.

I've used pride a lot recently.  Maybe not in the correct way all the time, but I am finally adult enough to realize that it's an important trait to have.  Today, in particular, I've used pride not just for me but for Luca as well.

Planning Luca's memorial service has been weighing heavily on me.  I guess I put it off for fear of the emotions that it would bring up.  I've been stuggling with the possibility of never being able to have another child lately and have been completely avoiding dealing with the child that needs to be remembered.  But I did it.  Without even thinking about it this morning, I found myself looking up memorial ideas.  It was a proud moment.  Not just a proud moment, a proud feeling.  As his mother, I was able to come up with a plan that I feel will celebrate the time he spent with me.

Something magnificent happens in your body and mind when you experience true pride.  Hopefully, wherever Luca is, he feels it the same way I do.  He is going to have a beautiful service.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Bucket List....

I've been putting a lot of energy into figuring "me" out.  So much so, that there are times when I feel absolutely hopeless.  It takes a great amount of effort to be so self-critical.  However, it's necessary if one really desires happiness. 

A couple years ago, I happened upon this little piece of heaven.  Iguaza Falls in Brazil.  You might be saying to yourself, "its a waterfall, just a waterfall." Well, simply put... No, no it isn't.  Not only are the waterfalls some of the largest in the world, but there is a beautiful story behind them.  Legend has it that a god planned to marry a woman.  She ended up fleeing with her mortal lover in a canoe.  In a fit of rage, the god sliced the river, creating the waterfalls and condemming this woman and her lover to an eternal fall.

There is something mystical about not just the story, but the falls themselves.  I look at pictures often to remind me that there is a reason that I feel so connected to this place.  I feel happy when I look at these pictures.  This place gives me a little jolt of gratitude.  Its a simple reminder that people can live many different lives and never realize it.  You can be connected to something without rhyme or reason.  Do you have enough strength to search for the meaning?  Or do you stand back and let life pass you by?

Visiting this place has just been put on my bucket list...

Monday, January 17, 2011

"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. This is the judgment. Life's most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others?"- Martin Luther King Jr.

"Hate can not drive out hate.  Only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem"- Martin Luther King Jr.

I felt the need to post twice in one day because the last quote of his has a little more meaning to me.  I often find myself going through many days thinking that people don't really understand what they're saying.  I know that I find myself hoping that people take heed to what I'm saying, but often I don't believe that it is as poignant as what MLK said to all of us.

I've been sitting here for the last hour watching Oprah.  As always, whenever there is anything on that has anything to do with racism, I get upset.  I've never understood what "the big deal" is.  I've lived 30 years always and ONLY being attracted to black men.  I have half black children.  I have friends that are mixes of other races, not just black and white.  I know that people in general have come a long way.  But racism isn't just about black and white.  There are many people in this world that are mixes of different races.  For lack of a better example, people make fun of Tiger Woods all the time, but he is a mix of different races.  Not just black and white. 

I found myself in tears at a couple points of Oprah's episode.  It isn't that I take these things personally.  I think back to the day that I had to tell my mom in sixth grade that a mexican guy asked me out.  Her response to me is that she didn't care, that race didn't matter.  I was relieved.  Not because I really like this person, but because I knew at that moment that my mom would support me, no matter what.  There was a lot more to this person liking me that doesn't need to be discussed.  The point is this... I knew at that moment that the person I've always depended on to make decisions for me, was allowing me to make my own decisions.  She was allowing me to decided whether or not this person was worthy of me- regardless of his race.

I figured out shortly after that experience, that I was also attracted to black men.  My first black boyfriend is the cousin of my daughters father!  Looking back over the years, I don't think that I've shorted myself.  I've dated most races.  I've just come to the realization that I prefer black men. 

What makes me upset about race is this... I realize that I was lucky with the parents that I have.  I know their parents didn't and maybe still don't hold the same values that they do about race, but how can we possibly be at the year, we as a people are, and still have people that think that its okay to have the 'race' discussion.  I hate to break it to all of you but not only are there black people, but there are 'mulatto' and other mixes of races happening, what are you gonna do when just pure white are the minority?  Man, I can't wait for those days....