Thursday, June 23, 2011

Liar Liar Pants On Fire...

I don't hide well.  Although, I'm really good at "running." 

I've spent the last 7 months feeling like I've done such a good job "finding me."  A couple months ago, I had a craft moment.  I got in the car and when to Office Depot for... "Hello, My Name Is" stickers.  I wanted to give myself a confidence boost.  But what I essentially did was lie to myself. 

I took this picture as soon as I finished and then.... put the project on the floor in the corner of the bedroom.  Immediately I knew I wasn't being truthful.  I don't really feel any of those words.  I want to feel them.  I want to be that girl I wrote in words in that picture frame.  I mean... that's 36 lies.  Those little stickers are my reminder that I am not a very nice person.  Not to myself and not to others. 

Hello, my name is... Tells Tall Tales.

I genuninely care about the people in my life.  So much so, I never had the opportunity to get to know me.  When someone calls me selfish, I have nothing to say other than "Yes, I am."  I had to get selfish to get out of situations.  But, what I didn't do is stop using that situation as an excuse. 

I...I...I, honestly don't know.  I don't know who I am, what I'm about, what I stand for or what I'm willing or not willing to accept for my life. 

I suck... I suck... I suck.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Countdown Begins...

T-Minus 4 days...

This time every year sucks, for lack of a better word.  I get super emotional and start acting like...wait for it... A Girl!  Why you may be asking.  Because, it's time for yet another birthday.  I don't like my birthday.  Every year I say I'm not gonna celebrate, that it's not important.  To be completely honest, I'm not sure why I hate my birthday. 

Maybe it's because of the surprise party my parents planned for my 8th birthday.  Or maybe it was my 10th.  I don't know and frankly it doesn't matter what birthday it was.  I was completely caught off guard and I spent most of the party wondering why my parents thought to invite most of the girls.  They didn't like me AT ALL!  Why were they even there?

Or maybe it's because I spent most of my life "acting" older than I was.  In my brain I grew up fast.  Everyone I associate is older than me.  When people ask me how old I am and I tell them they just look at me funny.  No one believes me.  In my short life I've had a lot of experiences, good and bad.  I guess it just seems completely amazing to me that my life has experienced all that it has.  Sometimes I feel like I am an 80 year old person telling stories of my life... But, I'm not 80. 

Two days ago I had the opportunity of getting into a discussion with a stranger.  She was telling me that she is buying herself some new clothes for her birthday.  My response was "Happy Birthday" and then she said that her birthday isn't until Sunday.  I paused and then replied "WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY!"  Apparently, the universe really wanted me to talk to her.  She was telling me that she is going to be 71 and that she absolutely enjoys getting older, that she would never want to be my age again.  We chatted for a minute about what it means to be that age and actually enjoy life. 

I went into counting down to my birthday with the same frustration that I do every year.  Celebrations are draining, it.  But given the fact that I have experiences what I have and I'm still here and kickin', I'm gonna go ahead and give it the ol' college try.  I've agreed to a birthday celebration... I'm gonna put a smile on my face.  I'm gonna be happy about it.  I'm gonna... look forward to another year.