Letting Me Be...

As all of you know, I've spent a good majority of my life searching. While I've enjoyed the journey, I need to anchor my feet and be honest with myself. I've always denied parts of myself for a certain level of acceptability. I needed people to understand me, but that is never what I received.

Over the course of the last couple years, I've realized that my happiest moments are when I've spent time writing or painting or cooking. Creating something. Essentially what I've learned is that... what I do, what I create, whether it's paper or canvas or food, is Me allowing my soul to come out and breath from all the nonsense of my life.

Being creative isn't easy. But the difficulty of it feels amazing. There is beauty in the struggle. It doesn't matter what you envisioned, the point is that you're able to bare your insides to something.

What She Said....

The Stuggle....

To those of you that are brave enough to read my posts, I thank you.

It's no secret that my life is a series of roller coasters. I'm hot, then cold. Up and then down. When I fall, I fall hard. The older I get, the more it hurts because I know better. This is my life, you'd think I'd be use to it by now. That I'd be better at handling the lows.

Everytime I get to a point where I feel comfortable with me, not just comfortable but a point where I feel true love for myself, I fall. There's always a little tick in my brain that says it's too good. I'm a self-sabotager. I'm cool with admitting it.

There's so many things about Me that I should be proud of, and for the most part I am. But right now in this moment... The tick is taking over.

On a brighter note....

Tomorrow is my 365 day mark. I have not had any alcohol for a year. Definitely something to be proud about. It's been a struggle. There have been times where I've thought that I could have just one but I know better.

Be. Strong.

Have courage.

You WILL get through a bad day or a bad year.

I promise.

 "There are times in life when you could get tossed in the well too with twists in your stomach and with holes in your hearts." ~ Neil Pasricha

Happily (And Truthfully) Me....

Ahhh... The beauty of the AHA! moments.

I've spent the entire day being perfectly right brained. I realized some things about myself this morning in the middle of Pilates, yes- right smack dab in the middle of a Pilates class. When it's written out it sounds OH SO GOOD.

I am creative.

A free spirit.

I am passion.

Yearning.

Sensuality.

I AM THE SOUND OF ROARING LAUGHTER.

I am taste.

The feeling of sand beneath bare feet.

I am movement.

Vivid colors.

I am the urge to paint on empty canvas.

I am boundless imagination.

Art.

I sense. I feel.

I AM EVERYTHING I WANTED TO BE.

What I Learned Today....

One day your life will flash in front of your eyes.

Make sure it's WORTH watching.



And....Smack!

I've been sitting on the couch for the last couple hours contemplating friends, writing, taxes and other nonsense. I found myself getting really restless. And then... I looked up at my mantle and I was reminded to just calm down.

I did.

Get Connected... With You.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes. I've learned to work through it. Instead of running away (one of my favorite past-times), I've learned... To Freaking Work Through It.

As of late, there's been a terrible disconnect. I know who I am, what I like, where I see myself going. Wait... Scratch that. I know who I am. I know what I like. What I don't know is where I'm going. HUGE HUGE HUGE disconnect.

I want to put my Nike's on and run along a new path but I can't. My prior notions that getting to a new physical place or attaching myself to new people would make Me better are quite literally, what got me here.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I... am flawed.

I have so many things that I want to accomplish that I get stuck in the disconnect of actually accomplishing. Here's the point where most people would say "I need to figure out where this is coming from," but not me. I already know.

There's two parts to my lack of accomplishment.

The first is that I grew up with a sister that was always doing great things. When she would do something marvelous, my parents would push me to do the same.  I would respond with the typical "I'm not her" sentence. The fact of the matter is, she had to work her ass off. The two of us took a couple college classes together our first semester. One of them being fantastic college level algebra. I got 100%, she got 98%. She was furious. My mom later told me that she studied for days. I didn't. Hence, her frustration. My sister worked so hard to prove to people that she was great. I was use to a life of disappointing people, mostly myself so I didn't study. I had the assumption that I wouldn't do that good, so I didn't even try.

The second part is Me and my insecurity of feeling good enough. My sister was the smart one. I was the pretty one. This was instilled in me. This is what I was made to believe made me who I am. I believed it so much that I wanted to be a model. I went, with my mom, to meet with a modeling agency. They put me through a class and at the end of it, we had to participate in a fashion show. This show was completed by the agency giving out awards and a trip to New York to meet with agents there. I wasn't picked. Walking out to the car, I cried. Hysterically. Everything that I'd been told my entire life about my looks was left on that runway. I felt horrible. I was young and vulnerable and I let that experience rip me to shreds.

After that experience as a young girl, I essentially gave up. I quit striving for things. I believed in what I was being told by my parents. I quit trying to be good for them, and worse for myself. I didn't want to be the pretty one anymore.  And I damn sure didn't want to be smart like my sister. I mean... It would be too damn easy to learn the concept of self satisfaction. It's much easier to sit back and just let life happen.

It's taken a huge part of my life to learn one very important thing. While it's easier to sit back, it's not that fun. Life is a roller coaster. You might have butterflies in your belly, but you have to get on, click the seat belt in and throw your arms in the air. The ups and downs make you stronger. They make you wiser.

I am whole. I am perfectly Me. I'm flawed. And even unhappy sometimes.

I know who I am. I know what I like.

I know... I will do great things. However and wherever that may be.