Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What doesn't kill you...

I screwed up. Majorly. Just because you've never been caught doesn't make it okay.  It will catch up to you.

In all honesty, I'm glad it happened.  It gave me a chance to further look at myself.  How I perceive things, my actions, how I speak to people and how others view me.  I don't necesarily mind people's viewpoints about me, but I'd like to think that when people look at me, they see a good person.

While I didn't enjoy this experience, I had something amazing happen.  I've never been a religious person.  I've gone to church with friends in the past.  But I've always kind of felt indifferent to church, religion, praying etc.  I had the opportunity to be involved in a group prayer a couple days ago.  In the middle of it, I just started to cry.  I mean CRY!  I was so moved by the feeling of being in the midst of this group where there was true feeling being thrown into the universe. 

I've always known that you don't have to be religious to pray.  I've always known that you don't have to necessarily be praying to a certain thing but something always stopped me from doing it.  My perception about prayer has changed.  Prayer is a happy thing.  Somewhere out there, the universe will recognize what you need and give it to you.  It may take a while to reap the benefits, but it's worth it.

Everyone is allowed the pleasure of prayer.  Just do it...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My hand is burnt and blistered.  I pulled one or several muscles in my back.  My thigh muscles are on fire from dancing 2 days ago. My feet are throbing from being on them all day.  All of my fingernails are chipped or broken. 

All that said...  I'm thankful for everything that is happening in my life.  I love the moments where I can say that I'm honestly happy with me.  Pure contentment.  Utter dismay at how much change I see in myself.  When someone asks me how I'm doing I say "Absolutely Wonderful, no complaints here."  The old me would just start listing off the bullshit.

I'm a happy camper these days.  There's a lot in my life that I need to make right.  But things happen in time, and time is definitely on my side. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

6 Days Down....

It's officially been 6 days since I've had any communication with Stan.  We didn't get in a fight.  We didn't have a grown up conversation and decide that we needed to not talk.  But it's been 6 days with nothing.

I feel like I've grown up a lot recently.  I notice the changes.  I talk differently.  I walk with my head high.  I laugh, a lot.  I literally feel like I'm 16 again, but more grown up.  More... Appropriate. 

The old me would be upset.  The old me would automatically feel like I did something wrong.  The new me is still a little upset but, I'm not jumping to any conclusions about the lack of contact.  The new me realizes where the relationship is and isn't going to go.  The new me still loves and cares about him.  The new me still wonders about him everyday.  The new me realizes he has his own life.  The new me realizes I have the greatest feeling of love from him without actually having him in my life. 

I really do like the new me.  The new me is continuing the feeling of love without expectation of receiving it back from him.  I whole-heartedly believe that is the greatest gift anyone can receive... The ability to love without consequence or expectation.  It truly is amazing.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Uh Oh!  I think I may have figured it out.  Maybe not completely, I've yet to find out.  But I'm willing to continue the process...

In conversation with someone recently I made a statement about their situation not realizing the impact the words had on my life.  A while back I wrote about a conversation I had with "Stan" about sacrifice and why it is so hard for people to do it.  The conclusion that I've come to is... It isn't that hard, people really do sacrifice when they're connection to the end result is full of strength.

sac·ri·fice[sak-ruh-fahys] noun, verb, -ficed, -fic·ing.

the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
"I sacrificed my happiness and what my life could have been like for the possibility of something that would probably never happen."- LC
This is what I said to my friend.  I "sacrificed" things, people, situations, feelings and experiences for the possibility of love with "Stan."  Why?  Because I honestly thought that if I did whatever I had to do to make him happy enough to reciprocate feelings, we'd end up together.  Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't stop my life for him.  I had relationships with boys outside of him, I had children outside my relationship with him, yet, I always pined for him.  I wished for the relationship with him so badly that I essentially "sacrificed" a wonderful life. 
Who's to say what my life would have been like for the last 12 years whether or not he was around... But I do know this, I never opened up to an available man because I was holding out for him.  There's a certain comfort that happens when you know that no matter how you act or what you say, that person will still be there. 
While I enjoy comfort as much as the next person, I've cause myself more problems.  The comfort you experience needs to come from knowing that you haven't "sacrificed" yourself.  The person that you "spend the rest of your life" with needs to be someone that you don't have to let go of every fiber of yourself for. 
I will continue to make sacrifices... As long as those sacrifices give me strength and NEVER at the cost of losing who I am.
Here's to continuing Heart Healthy status... Cheers! (lifts glass... clink clink)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! How I've missed you, bliggity blog.  I'm sorry you feel neglected but just wait until you hear what the h-e-double hockey sticks been going down!

I finished the back log of laundry, spring cleaned the kitchen and bathroom (neither of which was as disgusting as I thought it would be), met a boy (yes, he's quite a bit younger than me but hey, he's trainable!), rekindled a friendship with another boy, and started a new job.

It's so hard for me not to have communication with you.  There's so many things I want to talk about but now they all seem so trivial.  I want so badly to write it all out.  I want so badly to well...  have a certain person to talk to right now.  Oh dear blog... Its because of you that I've been able to work so many things out.  You've given me exactly what I needed when I needed to get things off my chest.  It's because of you that I've been able to experience the things that I have recently.  It's because of you that, well... I was able to be the person I have for the last couple days and have the interactions that I've had.  It's also because of you that I finally realized what it is that I expect out of my relationships and friendships.  Even though there is somebody that I really want to talk to right now other than you... I just can't bring myself to talk to him, not right now.

It's because of you sweet blog of mine... I think that our conversation about SACRIFICE has been figured out.

Until tomorrow precious blog...

Friday, February 4, 2011

To all of those people in my life that said I could never be happy.... Na Na Na Na Boo Boo!

I woke up this morning and realized I am.  I'm in such a good place right now.  I've spent so much time recently with just me.  I've had the opportunity to just be, with only my thoughts and its been awesome.

I am going to continue to enjoy the little things... because one day I'm gonna look back and realize that they were actually big things.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Shake Shake Shake.... Shake Shake Shake

I really wanted to write today since I haven't for a couple days.  While running errands this morning, I let my mind wander in things that I wanted to talk about.  But, as much as I want to write, I can't.  My brain is running a hundred miles a minute with the empending doctors appointment tomorrow.  All I can do right now is... dance like no one is watching.

Shake Shake Shake.... Shake Shake Shake.... Shake your bootay...