I've been on a long and curvy road. I've likened myself to a small sports car. You know the ones... they're good at hugging curves. Hugging curves is good as long as you're driving an actual sports car and going through those curves at 90 mph. In my brain, it isn't good. I don't want to hug curves. While I want to feel feelings, I don't want to get stuck trying to navigate the curves. The curves are slowing me down, both physically and mentally.
The last few weeks have taken a huge toll on me. I can't tell you how many times I said "F You" and "You Suck" to myself over the last 3 weeks. A week ago I found this awesome site, www.tinybuddha.com. In perusing the quote section I came across something that made my heart go pitter patter...
"As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it." -Eckhart Tolle
I've spent my entire life identifying with pain, either because I was hurt or because someone else's pain was being projected onto me. Hurt was all I ever knew. I internalized everything. Whether it was my mess or someone else's. Granted, I didn't make the best choices growing up. A lot of the things that I've endured over the majority of my life were things that I could have prevented. But instead of saying to myself that I was just a kid, I let it be exaggerated. Kids of all ages make mistakes. I need to keep that in perspective.
All that said... I found my "creative" side once again. I made a decision a week ago to be more "zen-like"... so, I painted. Buddha.
I have a TONNNNNNNNN of things that are going to be added to this. I just have to get my lazy behind in gear. But before I do, I have something I need to do. Write myself a letter. You know the funny question of "What do you wish you could have told yourself 10 years ago?" Well, I'm gonna write that letter, seal it up and hold onto it. It might 10 years, it might be 50 years before I open it up but I'll open it one day. Hopefully, when I do read it I'll appreciate the struggle I've gone through even more.
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves." -Dalai Lama