Sunday, December 5, 2010

...Deliberate... Living... Yes please, I'll have that.

I didn't start this process without purpose.  I honestly thought that I would be able to sit down everyday and put pen to paper (in this case, finger tip to keys) and make the voices in my head make sense.  I have wanted nothing more than to feel like I continuing making progress.  I NEED to feel like I'm making progress towards my goal of figuring out who I am.  I think I did myself a dis-service.  So instead of feeling like I need to write chronologically- I'm just going to write.

I've never wanted an elaborate life.  I've never desired being the person that was focused on.  I've never enjoyed having any sort of drama.  Yet, thats who I've become.  Actually, thats who I always was.  I've always had drama in one form or another.  In group situations, when I make a smart ass comment and people laugh- I love it.  My life is full of so many complexities that even I can't stand it sometimes.

What I want more than anything is to live deliberately and effortlessly.

I am well aware that there are many things about Laura that need attention but I am going to start with my current relationships.  Every person in this world is bound to each other by our desire to love and be loved.  I, as much as I try and act like a hard ass, also wants to experience this. Actually experience it in its real form.  Do I know how to love?  More importantly, do I know how to accept love? 

I've done a lot of evaluating this week about people in my past, people in my present and the people from my past that continue to be a part of my life.  What I realized is that I don't have a lot of boundaries.  There are very few people that stay in one of those groups.  The lines blur.  I tend to allow people to stay in my life regardless of their actions towards me.  I have a hard time telling people "I'm done" and meaning it.

I believe my desire to love and to be loved is so strong that I believe these people at one point will fulfill me.  So I keep people in my life hoping that something will click and they will end up feeling about me the way I feel about them.

I have never believed in love at first sight.  I have never believed that there was a "prince" waiting somewhere for me. I never believed The One was out there waiting to complete feats of superhuman abilities to prove himself to me.  Maybe its because I don't believe in the traditional roles or maybe its because I was never really given any reason to believe that real love exists. Do I think I've dabbled in being in love? Absolutely.  I've given myself up to feeling it. So much so that at times I've felt let down by it. 

I grew up being told that I was the pretty one.  So, if this true, why wouldn't a man look at me and think that he wanted nothing more than to wake up to me everyday.  The problem with this is that growing up being told that- every time I felt rejected my confidence got shot down. I lost myself that much more. I never felt pretty.  I never felt like I had anything to offer someone.  I know that in order to have a solid relationship and experience love at its best, one has to be in love with themselves. I guess this is my attempt at that.  I am attempting to love effortlessly and deliberately with myself.

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