Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I Refuse To Be "That" Lady...

Laura is attempting to live authentically.  To live free from doubt and uncertainty.  Laura is attempting to live peacefully.  Laura gave herself one task to complete everyday- updating the bliggity-blog.  She hasn't succeeded, but hey... recognizing the problem is the first step to reconciliation, right?

This morning involved a lot of discussion about not having "resolutions," but to have, as cliche' as it sounds- LIFE CHANGES. The discussed life changes aren't just about diet or exercise.  They involve having a greater understanding of self.  I like to think that I'm constantly aware of Me, but that is just a big ol' lie...  I really wish I had someone growing up that could have explained the amount of effort it takes and the importance of actually putting the time into it early so that you don't become the age I am and have no clue.  And here it is... I have just given myself another lifetime goal- to be that for someone...other than my babies.

Over the next couple days I will be exercising my brain and making decisions on the steps that I need to take over the next year so that I feel a sense of accomplishment.  I'm choosing to use the word "steps" instead of "goals" because I've found for me I don't follow through when something is attached to the word "goal."  An unsurmountable amount of stress falls upon me.  I get paranoid.  It's sort of like the neighborhood crack-head lady you see walking down the street screaming unrecognizable words, swinging her arms around.  Yep, that's the best way to describe Laura when someone gives her a task to complete and attaches the word "goal" to it.  I become the person that everyone is watching from the porch, "Its really too bad she turned out like that.  She had so much potential. Her po' momma."

Life is a series of tasks.  As I've said before, life has a funny way of keeping you on your toes.  I'm making the decision to put myself on something resembling a Stair Stepping machine... It may not always feel like you're going anywhere, but HOT DAMN! when you get off the machine, your legs tell you otherwise.

Maybe I'll start pie-charting my life... Uh Oh! Maybe Not- I don't know how many "steps" I can handle right now.... I should just stick to learning to love the one person I should have always loved.

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