Friday, December 24, 2010

In the end...You are all you have, right?

I now understand why suicide rates go up at Christmas time....  Holidays suck. 

Today is Christmas Eve and I've been sitting on the bed all day with nothing to do but talk to the cats.  Don't get me wrong, I think we've been having productive conversations.  Tramp just lays there and looks at me while I tell her how pitiful I've become.  Every once in a while Pico will come in and try to start a fight with her.  When I tell Pico to be nice he looks at me as if I've just put his life into a tailspin and then he leaves the room.  I do this with the cats two to five times every hour.  I mean, its not what most people would call a fruitful day but hey, its consistent.

I realized yesterday how quickly 2010 came and went.  I went into this year believing with every fiber of my being that this was REALLY going to be my year and that I wouldn't be sad at the end of the year like I had been at the end of most previous years.  I believed that I was in what I was calling "my best and last" relationship, I was making moves to get into a job that was better suited for me, I had women in my life that I just knew would stick with me through anything.  Yep, 2010 was going to be it.

Life has a funny way of keeping you on your toes.  Life wants to constantly remind you that you don't have as much control as you think you do.  Life is a fickle thing.  Life needs constant attention and love.  If it feels slighted in the least, it will make sure that everything you so depend on just isn't there anymore.

I got comfortable.  I got comfortable because for the first time in my life I felt like I had it all.  It isn't that I put everything into my job or put everything into my man- I just decided that I finally had it all and no one could tell me shit.  Well, life told me... life reminded me that I wasn't as on top of things as I thought I was.

The biggest let down obviously was myself.  I believed so much in these things.  I made plans.  I made plans that involved me being happy.  I don't even blame this man.  I allowed him to put me in a position where I made plans that involved happiness.  In the end, I allowed him to put me in a position of utter disappointment.  I was played once again but not by him.  He only did what I believe he always does.  Can't fault him for that.  The worst part is this:  If he showed up tomorrow and asked for forgiveness, I would give it to him.  If he asked me to take him back, I probably would. 

I realize that I am on a journey to find myself. I realize that I am on a journey in finding peace with me.  This isn't an easy process.  Its not easy to have daily aha moments of how just continue to let yourself down.  I don't like feeling like the world would be better without me but the truth of the matter is- I'm not benefiting anyone, including myself. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better.... Merry Effing Christmas to me...

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