Thursday, December 30, 2010

There are few things in my life that surprise me... but, I will say this, I surprise myself.  Throughout the day I have moments that make me think I am completely and utterly insane.  Only to have something knock me back on my ass and remind me that I'm not.  Most of these moments involve something as simple as music.  The simpliest things can be the best things sometimes.

Music is something that I've learned to appreciate over the years.  I love the slow repitition of ol' school R & B.  I love the fast, hard beats of down south rap (actually, I like most rap.)  When I'm having a difficult time settling my brain, I prefer jazz or clasical- even though the methodical trance of it doesn't put me to sleep like I'd like it to.  Wait for it... there are even times that I'm in the mood to do some serious two-stepping- in those cases, I put on some kind of country- new school or ol' school.  Whatever strikes my fancy at that point.

I'm one of "those" people... The person that turns the tv on only to mute it.  I have music on all day... As Katt Williams would say "all dayyyy, errrr day" (slaps hand down on counter.)  Earlier today I got caught up by this slow jam:

I would hear it come on the radio growing up and I would sing along as I always do, but never put a lot of thought into what the lyrics actually meant.  Halfway through the song I got stuck in a severe love moment and sent it to Stan (who I've mentioned in an earlier post.) The lyrics in this song encompass a lot of how I've felt about him over the last few years.  Actually, its been more than a few, but who's counting.  I don't regret sending it to him but here is where Laura's uncertainty and doubt happen.  I replayed the song after I sent it and then this song popped into my head halfway through:

Songs like this make me wonder if I'm giving feelings to someone I may not really have any clue about.  I mean, I know this person.  I feel like I REALLY know this person.  I know that my doubts don't have anything to do with him.  I know that most of the time when I get stuck in uncertainty its because of my issues.  He shouldn't have to deal with my issues.  But, I guess I do want him to a little bit.  I would do that for him. If he was truly in the position of reciprocating feelings, he shouldn't have any problem dealing with issues of my past, right?

Stan asked me a question the other day about sacrifice.  Sacrifice in regards to why its so hard for people to do even in difficult times.  The easiest answer I could give is because of pride.  I sat on it for a while trying to come up with things that would back up my answer, but failed to come up with anything that would really do the question justice.  What I've come to realize is that people sacrifice when they have a strong spiritual connection to something.  Whether its a higher being, themselves or something else that has a strong influence in their life.  For me, its been him.  He's always been the person I've looked to for guidance and strength, even though he may not see it that way!  I've never been asked to sacrifice for him.  I wouldn't know how to go about doing that.  I do believe that pride plays a part, but I also believe that people let go of things when they know the connection they have is going to be stregthened.  What would be the point in letting go if there isn't anything to gain in the end?

Here's where the surprises come in to play... I tell myself all the time that I can handle anything.  I tell myself all the time that no one can hurt me but me.  I tell myself all the time that I don't need anyone. Suprise! I'm wrong.  I've just been going through the motions of life to make people think I had it together.  The Journey Of LC is in full effect!!!!

Just because there are simple things that doesn't mean there are simple answers....

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