Monday, March 28, 2011



Literal but NOT truthful

This has been bothering me for days.  Is this what people really think about me? 

I will say this... I am a fan of invention and reinvention.  I like to think that I'm adaptable, a chameleon.  I like to think that I've learned enough lessons in my lifetime that allow me to realize the importance of my soul and my purpose.  It's important to be somewhat selfish.  How are you suppose to take care of You if you aren't? I had to be narcissistic to get out of that relationship.  I had to find my WORTH.  I had to find power to believe that I deserved more than what I'd accepted in that relationship.  My decision to be in that relationship didn't effect only me, but in order for me to make everyone's lives better, I had to GET selfish.  I had to put everything I had into me.  It doesn't matter how much you tell someone or how you tell them, people will never understand what being involved in abusive relationship entails unless they have personally dealt with it.  I had no choice but to get selfish.  The amazing thing to me is this...  the end result of that relationship was not a selfish one.  I'd grown up by the end of it.  I made an adult decision.  I am a better person for it.

Writing this, all I can think is... My life is like a bad Lifetime-Made-For-TV movie.  Actually, Lifetime turned the book Reviving Ophelia into a movie.  I remember watching Lifetime with my roommate a couple months ago.  The advertisement for the movie came on, my response, " I refuse to watch that."  And of course she set a reminder for it to record.  I was rebellious.  I tested boundaries.  I was the girl that was happy being the outcast.  My parents... were sad.  Disappointed.  They signed up for a class given at my high school on how to relate to teenagers and get them through the "troubling" years.  This angered me and I rebelled more.  My parents bought this book.  I don't know if they realized that I knew they had it.  I don't think they were trying to hide it.  I never fully read it, but I glanced at sections.  The problem is, by the time they bought the book, I was too far gone.  At least, that's what I think they thought of me.  I wasn't a virgin for some time.  I was already involved in a relationship that was showing signs of abuse.  I had friends that didn't exhibit the best behavior.  All I wanted my parents to do, as any other rebellious teen, was wash their hands of me, and they did.  At least that's what they said.  They threw their hands up and said "I'm done." 

Physically, they were there.  They didn't go anywhere.  There was always a continued relationship on both sides.  Was it a whole relationship?  Nope, not at all.  There's fault on both sides.  I remained upset with my parents for things and they remained upset with me.  We've maintained a relationship based on obligation all these years. Real conversations are strained, if they even happen.  They want me to own up to things and I want them to own up to things. Maybe that sounds harsh, but at this point, that's Truthfully and Authentically how I feel.  I feel like I've tried.  I feel like I made attempts to have relationships be better but when I try I'm told that it's fake.  I don't have it in me, regardless of the situation, to take all of the responsibility.  I can't.  If I do, I feel like I'd be reverting back to the me I was in all those abusive relationships. 

I'm probably going to get into even more trouble for writing this.  Am I prepared for the consequence? Yes.  Everything you do in life has a consequence.  Whether the consequence ends up being a good one or a bad one, is completely up to you.  Do I want things to be different? Of course.  I wish I would have come to all of these realizations years ago so that the lives of my children wouldn't be hurt.

You decide how things effect your life.  I have gone over my life, time and time again, I made decisions that put me where I am today.  I know... I know that I have to take responsibility, and I am.  I can't force things.  All I can do is, simply... Be me, deliberately and authentically.

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