There's a scene in the movie Little Miss Sunshine where Frank and Dwayne are discussing happiness. Sadness, actually. Dwayne in the normal teenage mind wants to just sleep life away and skip high school. Frank's response is this: Why? Why would you want to miss all that suffering? It's the moments you spend in sadness and loneliness that define your character. When you're happy, you don't really get a chance to learn anything.
While I agree with that, I have to wonder why some people have the inate ability to grow out of that sadness and others don't. Like I said in my first blog, I had an ordinary family. Both parents, sister, friends. I had friends growing up that showed signs of depression just like me. The difference is this, (warning... if you're a family member reading this- I can not be responsible for your reaction) life really got in the way of my family being supportive of each other. Being the youngest (see my 2nd blog) I believe that I got the raw end of the deal. I'm am not in any way shape or form saying that my parents didn't love me, I know they do. Growing up, I always thought my parents wanted me to be just like my sister, looking back- I whole-heartedly believe they were just trying to give me the same opportunities as her. Life got in the way of us believing in each other. Life got in the way of the people in my family believing that it's important to care about each other regardless of the path they choose (the differences of paths in regards to my family will be discussed in another blog.)
Each family has a "black sheep." Thats me. I'm the one that fucks up. I'm the one that for whatever reason continues to disappoint. I use to joke about this. And up until I started the process of trying to figure me out a couple months ago- I actually took pride in this. But now... I'm tired. It's hard to get on the phone with your mother and know that the conversation will never be longer than 3 minutes unless an arguement ensues. Its hard to know that family functions don't happen anymore because you haven't spoken to your sister in 3 years. It's hard to know that I can't be an aunt anymore, especially knowing that there's a niece I've never met. The funny thing is... I've never been in jail, I've never hurt anyone physically, I've never... Wait, I'll rephrase this sentence... I have made mistakes. I know that I emotionally hurt my parents. I didn't always follow their advise. I hung out with the wrong people. And, I will admit that I had a breakdown being a single parent and because of that, I wasn't the only one that suffered. I have a lot of making up to do for that.
There isn't any faith left. I've owned up to my mistakes. I've reached out to rebuild relationships with no response. Other people may not see it that way. But that is one of the joys of life. People are entitled to their own perception. Until everyone has a desire for change, it won't happen. So, my new challenge is this... find strength. Find the strength to continue life making relationships with people that could be considered family.