So.... last night I threw a temper tantrum. I didn't fall asleep until 5:50 am this morning because I couldn't stop thinking about what I wrote. Of course, I didn't sleep long and when I got up and walked out to the living room I feel utterly disappointed in myself. I completely get that everyone is allowed moments of difficulty- it's what you do with the moment that defines your character.
I spent a lot of time today trying to come up with some reasoning to why I've always given me up in relationships. It isn't something I believe is an easy answer. What I do know is this- I didn't just do this in relationships, it also happened with friendships. I've never been the type of person to have many friendships- especially with women. However, the one's I did have were never good. There was always some underlying issue and when I felt like I needed to voice my opinion, the friendship ended.
I don't say any of this without recognizing that I have faults to own up to. Man, Oh, Man... Do I have faults! But in owning up to what I've done and said, I realize that I can only take responsibility for me. In the past, I would have taken responsibility for the entire situation- not just my part.
All this said... I'm giving myself a challenge. Well, a couple actually.
Challenge #1- Realize the importance of female interaction. Be proud of my femininity. Find a group of amazing women that want nothing more than to build real friendships that empower and inspire each other.
Challenge #2- Stop giving up things that make me calm because of a new relationship. I have not painted in almost a year because of my last relationship. Because of him, I guess you could say I lost my inspiration. I need to challenge myself to put brush to canvas at least once a week. Regardless of what is happening.
Challenge #3- Be okay with the bad moments. Everyone is entitled to have moments of desperation. This doesn't mean that you aren't happy. It means that you are finally comfortable enough with yourself to realize that you need to honor and really experience every feeling you have.
I'm going to continue to take advantage of being me. I might be ridiculous sometimes, but... at least I'm being authentically me.