I've always thought of myself as a tough girl. I've always thought of myself as someone that can handle anything. Not the case. Sometimes, I lie to myself. Apparently, I lie to myself A LOT! It's easier to lie to myself than to do the hard work and decide that its okay to have emotional roller coasters sometimes.
Yesterday was one of "those" days. One of the days that I had to lie about what I'm really feeling. I had to make jokes about it just to get through the drive home. Yesterday was a busy day for the females in this house. Not only did Janis have to go in for her surgery follow up appointment, but Lady had to be dropped off at the vet yesterday to get fixed. It was confirmed when I got there that she was preggo and they needed to do a complete hysterectomy. I also ended up at the doctor because of the issues I've been having lately. I sat through quite a long ultrasound. I sat a stared at the screen showing my uterus in complete silence. At one point the ultrasound tech turned around, looked at me, put her hand on my arm and said "I hope you have other living children. There is something funny going on here." I had no choice but to just ignore her at that point. She finished, I got dressed and on my way out of the exam room I asked her what was going on. The only thing she could say is that the "doctors need to put their heads together. Something isn't right."
I know I've been making jokes and statements since losing Luca that I don't want to have anymore children, but I don't like being told that I might not ever have the option. I made those statements under the pretense that I was in control of that decision. To have it taken away for whatever reason the doctors can't explain at this point, is nothing short of disheartening. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have no control over your body and decision making process.
So, today Lady and I are sitting on the couch in pain. She refuses to move from her crouching position and I refuse to move because at least I have solidarity with someone. Even if it is one of the cats.