A while back I attempted a book project with someone I considered a very good friend. Our friendship fizzled out because well, if I'm being completely honest, I allowed some things to happen. I didn't think highly enough of myself at the time to stop it from happening.
Over the last couple days I've thought a lot about that book. My gut has been telling me to go ahead with it. That, in order for me to feel good about myself in the way of accomplishing things, I need to write that book. However, its made me think a lot about her. This is a person I confided a lot of things in, we spent upteen amounts of time together. I loved her, she was essentially, my sister. Last night, I forced myself to go to bed because my brain kept telling me to send her an email. My heart was saying no. So, I forced myself to go to bed so I didn't do something I would end up regretting.
I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again... Life has a funny way of reminding you that you don't have as much control as you like to think you do. Or maybe it just boils down to, I thought about it so much- I willed it to happen. A couple hours ago, I received a message from her. While we have yet to discuss the book issue, we have been able to have an honest conversation about what happened to our relationship. I can't say that our friendship is mendable but I will say this, its nice to know that you've been able to say whats in your heart. Your heart takes on a lot of roles. Not only does it have to physically keep you going, it has to control your emotional health. If even a little piece of it is broken, you can never be a complete person.
My hope is that everyone in my life knows that I am heart healthy. I also hope they know that I want them to be heart healthy. There's a magnificent spark that goes off in your body when you know that your heart feels every bit as happy as your brain.
I know what it's like to lose friends. :( It happens all too often for reasons that are sometimes quite stupid, but you can't appreciate them as friends if you can't appreciate yourself first. It's a hard lesson to learn and definitely sucks to lose someone that you were so close to (did you read my emotions post? it's a doozy) but if it comes at the cost of loving yourself all the more, I think it's worth it. :) Love you, lady!!
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